Pema Chodron, a nun, Buddhist thinker, an author, says, "Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." She goes on to say, "Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity." I never knew what these words meant until I went on a journey of the Self and saw my own darkness. I went to a workshop where they put us in small groups. Then, they explained, "Tell group members one thing you hate about yourself. Something you'd never want anyone to know." I said something about shame related to having cerebral palsy. But, after this exercise, I realized that this was not the ultimate thing that made me hate myself. What I REALLY did not want others to know is that in my darkest place I act aggressively. I become angry, desperate, and anxious. I become a victim who demands others fix me. Even when I recognize my own capacity to help myself, I still feel trapped. I still don’t really get what I need, nor do I represent myself in a way that shows my strengths. My anxiety really gets in the way of my relationships - even towards myself. I know the only way to better this is to embrace the fact that I am worthy of love and compassion. It is easier said than done.
Disappointment and anger have become my most familiar friends. Even when I am happy and connected, disappointment, anger, and anxiety are just beneath the surface. I know that there is a state beyond disappointment and anger; there is compassion and acceptance. Fortunately I have found that yoga and meditation have really helped me be more present, mindful, and compassionate. But, I still get stuck. Again, I am learning that compassion is showing up for the darkest, undesirable parts of yourself and realizing that they come from old emotional wounds. It is loving them, anyway. Finally, it is believing in your own resilience.
I recently read Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly.” It is basically a book about embracing vulnerability and overcoming deep-rooted shame. Daring greatly is synonymous with courage - the courage to fall apart, face your shame, and be more real - among other things. I have come to realize that shame is actually at the core of anger and disappointment. Shame makes you question yourself and your worth. For me, feelings of shame make me engage in self-sabotage; I also sever my connection to others. I am left feeling isolated, disconnected, and abandoned. But, I create this situation. I push others away and isolate myself. I do this even when I see others try to reach out to me. The anecdote to all of this, according to Brene Brown, is shame resilience. Shame resilience is bouncing back and overcoming these negative feelings and reactions. How do you reach shame resilience? By fostering great compassion. Particularly for me, it is “hugging” the 5-year part of myself that pushed others away when she desired love and connection more than anything else.
Ironically, everything I am talking about happened today. I was not ready for an after-hours party at my house, and I basically woke up on the “wrong side of the bed.” When my partner reached out to snuggle me in bed, I literally pushed him away. Then, I did not want to talk to anyone else in the house. I lost out on a breakfast with friends, among other things. Today, I am working on accepting my dark side, hugging my inner 5-year-old, and affirming my worth. showing up with compassion, connecting to my resilience and self-acceptance.
I’ll end with this quote from “Daring Greatly.”: “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
