Ethics in Non-Monogamy

Ethics and respect is what makes polyamory, or any non-monogamous lifestyle, work. It is very difficult to explain non-monogamy to a monogamous person. It is made even harder when pop culture makes it appear that anything goes in open relationships. Somehow, us open people are deemed to have no moral compass whatsoever. This could not be farther from the truth. In fact, you are MORE responsible to uphold agreements - particularly around safety and mutually agreed upon relationship arrangements. Violating a previously discussed mutual agreement in an open relationship is the same thing as cheating. If it feels like betrayal and cause for mistrust, then you have crossed that boundary whether you are monogamous or non-monogamous. It is just that simple.

Everything you do, you do with a sense of ethics,  mutual respect, & informed consent (can’t stress this enough)!

I take it one step further to address people with honor and regard (for self and others) - all while doing my best to be personally accountable for my feelings and actions!

This could look vastly different in each independent open relationship. It just so happens that every individual person has a different take on ethics, values, agreements, and personal needs. But, if it works for the relationship in question - that is all that matters - right?

One Last Note -

We live in a time and place where non-monogamy is becoming more recognized in popular culture. As a person who lives an ethical non-monogamous lifestyle, I am both pleased and apprehensive by this development. Why? The easy answer is as follows: while pop culture may get some aspects of non-monogamy  - including the non-monogamous mentality - correct, there are equally as many aspects about the lifestyle that are grossly distorted. Worse, the masses are taking in these distortions as facts.

The movie, “Trainwreck,” is a great example. I attended, and loved, the movie. Amy Schumer seems to be a very down-to-earth person, as well as a great actress. That said, the movie seemed to insinuate that a person who subscribes to non-monogamy is going through a weird, acting-out phase. She/he is not really happy or settled yet. {Spoilert Alert} As the movie showed, she finally found Mr. Right and chose to settle down into a monogamous relationship. Coming from monogamy myself, I don’t see anything wrong with this relationship form. In fact, I can attest to the fact that non-monogamy is NOT for everyone. It takes a lot of work - including the willingness to do a lot of self-work. All that being said, why are we making negative assumptions about non-monogamy? That just does not seem right to me. If we bring such concepts into the open, then we need to educate with an impartial point of view. Instead, I see us projecting our fears and need for control onto these films and other forms of pop culture.  

I welcome your thoughts on this topic!

I am Featured in "Heart & Soul eZine" Today!

I am featured today on "Heart & Soul eZine!"  Please visit, comment, and share! It would be greatly appreciated!

Here is an overview of my article:
Visiting my sister's work, I found myself in a place that felt so peaceful. I was greeted with open arms and great warmth.  More than that, I felt the Divine in this place. With my current life cycle, I think my own Spirit wanted me to see something there. And, it just so happened that I saw someone from my past - while I was working on owning my present.

#BeReal: I Am a Work in Progress

I learned about the #BeReal campaign, I HAD to participate. Reading Hasty Words perspective on #BeReal, I was greatly moved. My persona is all about transparency, integrity, and genuineness. I even had one fellow blogger call me out as having "Integrity in Costco quantities". Pause. Notice the word I used? Persona. A persona is usually the image you project to the world. This insinuates it is not the real deal. The truth is my “real” is not 100% integrity and genuineness. I name myself after a sex Goddess but feel embarrassed when a stranger compliments me on being sexy. I say I am compassionate but often find myself only thinking of me. I say I am a strong warrior but actually make myself out to be a victim when life and relationships get too hard. I say I open my heart to connection but often feel disconnected and confused. My “real” is actually a work in progress with a lot of flaws. It is really hard to admit these things. It goes against everything I want to see and believe about myself. But, being real is about telling the truth. It is owning up to all of you and loving yourself anyway.

 Here is to one step closer to being more real! 

Cheers (as I raise my hypothetical glass of red wine).

"Water is Life"

"Water is Life.". I stood reading the words on a blackboard display in the middle of Marymoore Park in Redmond, Washington. I was visiting the Seattle area on this particular weekend. I had just spent a marvelous day watching the musical, " Wicked," at the Paramount theatre in Seattle. This event was a year in the making. My Hubby and I coordinated a group to see the show one year ago, and now the day finally arrived. It was everything I had hoped it would be. A couple days later, he was spending the day with his mother, and I was sleeping over at my parents. My mom had arranged for us to go to the Redmond Derby Days at Marymoor Park that evening. None of us were really up for any of the rides. We played a few Carnival games and ate dinner while listening to a live salsa band. I got up to dance with my sister. We had some fun - just letting go for one moment. While walking around the park, we came across the board which stated Water is _____________ .  It was a campaign for promoting clean drinking water as well as water conservation.  Each of us ran to fill in the blanks on the board. I knew this was my sister's passion. She, a previous Peace Corps volunteer had started building a clean water system for people in Uganda, among other things. Ironically, she got sick due to the toxins in the water and had to cut her Peace Corps assignment short. But, she continued her efforts from abroad through continued fundraising efforts associated with an agency she created called Empowering Dignity in Girls Everywhere (EDGE). Of course, my sister wrote the website of her agency on this blackboard in the middle of the park. I wrote something about the right for all humans to drink clean water without fear of sickness. Water really is a necessity of life. We need it to survive. And, it is not right that some of us have to be worried about the water we consume.  

This moment in time made me think a lot about privilege. Water, supposedly a natural resource, is actually a privilege. It is sad but true. I am not sure whether I should be ashamed or not about something I said to my sister at dinner on the night in question. We were sitting on the grass without a blanket. I was getting paranoid about dirt and bugs. I stated, at least I have bottled water.”  My sister just looked at me and laughed. She commented that she could not worry about such things after living in Uganda. I adamantly stated, "I will never drink water that is not filtered first ." It was then that she looked at me with surprise and stated, "Really?" I could almost hear her thoughts - "The difference been first world and third world problems."

I live in California. The air quality is not great. It is very hot, and we've had a drought for a long time. They say that we should take shorter showers, turn the faucet off after rinsing our hands, and be sparing with how much water we actually use daily. In restaurants, they don’t give us water unless we actually order it. All of this is in the name of water conservation.  I find all of this very difficult to observe. I like my long, hot showers! Likewise, I can't imagine not leaving my house without my water bottle by my side. Yes, I filter my water. Yes, I even give filtered water to my dog! I am beginning to realize how privileged I am. I don't have to worry about where I will get my water. I don't have to walk miles to get my water. I don't have to be concerned that water will give me some incurable, or God forbid, fatal disease. I have every modern convenience to get myself clean water.

I came across a website called Compassion's Water for Life. I learned that 

• 800 million people around the world do not have safe, clean water to drink.
• Every week, 27,000 children die because of unsafe water and unhygienic living conditions.

As for Uganda, more than half of all residents do not have access to improved sanitation - sharing overcrowded pit latrines or practicing open defecation. As you can imagine, many are exposed to illness and a variety of health problems. It is absurd to think about.

But, I feel like a hypocrite. I actually don’t think about it. I turn on my water filter, pour myself a glass of clean water, and go on my merry way. It very rarely dawns on me that someone in Africa is drinking water that is filled with toxins and sewage. Again - another form of my  privilege, not only to drink clean water, but also not to think about it. And, this does not leave me with a very nice taste in my mouth.

What can I do? For one,  I can recognize my privilege. Rather than feel guilty for the luxuries I have, I can feel immense gratitude for the niceties I experience in life, including drinking clean water. Next, maybe I can do my part to conserve water. It is a valuable resource, after all. Lastly, I can remember that people in Third World countries are actually real, live human beings. They are parents with children. They are newborns completely dependent on their environment for the health and development. They are like you and me with hopes and dreams. They are communities that just want access and the basic necessities of life to survive. Basic necessities is a human right, is it not?

I am working on cultivating gratitude & compassion in my life, especially as it relates to the privileges I have.

My Favorite #1000Speak Posts for July 2015!

Here are my Favorite #1000Speak posts from July 2015 linkup!

365 Bookworm - #1000Speak: An Artist's Journey Towards Acceptance

ACCEPTING THE WEIRD IN YOU – A WRITERS MUST #1000SPEAK

Acceptance is a Choice: #1000Speak Monday Musings

Her Sabbatical

#1000Speak: The Village Needs to Be Real

Beyond the Flow: Loving the Misunderstood

Yvonne Spence: Why Acceptance isn't Resignation and How We Truly Feel It

#1000Speak: July 20th, 2015: I Accept You

I accept you....

I accept that you may not think like me

I accept that you may not sound like me

I accept that you may not dress like me

I accept that your path might be different to mine.

How would it be right of me to ask others to celebrate my uniqueness if I can't accept yours? You ARE unique. But, you are also part of a grander culture that may look nothing like mine. Even if we disagree on perspectives, At least we can respect each other for our journeys.  

In my life, this is what I've learned about acceptance:

Acceptance is not necessarily agreement. It could be disagreeing but accepting and respecting the other for his/her perspective

Acceptance is not tolerance. Tolerance is a slippery word that suggests that one is putting up with something or someone. (IE. I'll tolerant his whining.). It actually is not born out of respect for another's difference.

Acceptance IS seeing someone as one is without wanting or needing to change one. It is seeing that one has come to one's path through one's own inner wisdom. That makes the path true. That makes it exactly what it is meant to be. No one else has any right, whatsoever, to judge.

.

Tweet I open my arms in acceptance. By accepting you just as you are, I hope to start to make the world a better place.

A #BeWow Post: I Appreciate YOU!

For mt #BeWoW post I'd like to foster appreciation for my partners.

This is what I'd like to say to Roo:

• I appreciate you for taking charge of the house cleaning, tidying up, and cooking, especially when I am away at my volunteer job. You seem to "get on it" even before I can turn around!
• I asked you recently to decrease the level of sarcasm around my triggers. [you generally talk like this to lighten the mood, I know]. Anyway, I've noticed you trying. Just so you know, I am also working to accept this as "Roo-speak."
• Thank you for the cuddles on the couch. This means more than you'll ever know
• I appreciate you for giving me and Hubby some private time. I am grateful for your compersion around this.

This is what I'd like to say to Hubby:

• I appreciate you for offering me quality time with you - especially since you are gong on a business trip soon.
• I appreciate you for doing your best to listen when I have a problem - even on those days you may not completely understand.
• During our most recent issue, you came back to me with love, despite the fact that I yelled at you moments before. Thank you.
• I appreciate you for thinking about both Roo and me and wanting to always make things special for both of us.
• Thank you for the times YOU made dinner and served us!
• Thank you for making those awesome "Contact Us" cards (for networking and social events). I DID see the care you put into them!

LOVE YOU BOTH!!

Updates for the First Two Weeks in July!

So far, July has been packed with trips and family-get-togethers....

For the Fourth of July Hubby, Roo, and I attended Roo’s uncle’s 90th birthday celebration in Placerville, CA. We met more of her extended family and felt very included in the family circle.

July 8-12 - Returned to the Seattle area to see family, friends, and attend the musical “Wicked!” (prequel to the “Wizard of Oz.”) As for the musical, with the help of Hubby, I had coordinated a group to attend the show together back in July, 2014! We held on to our tickets since December 2014! Due to the fact that it was a group event. we got awesome seats at a very reasonable price. And...the musical was as amazing an inspiring!

We also set up a meetup lunch and dinner with close friends, a Saturday party for more buddies, and family day where we all spent time with each of our folks. I had a really enlightening conversation about my lifestyle with my mother. And, she joined Hubby, Roo, and me for breakfast on Saturday morning!

Upcoming Event - Desire Resort in Cancun, Mexico (August 6th - 11). YES! I am looking forward to it.

Stay Tuned for more awesome blog posts!!

A Moment of Insight: Ongoing Theme of Letting Go, Owning My Voice, and Celebrating my Sexuality

[I wrote this on Fetlife, a social media site for people with kinks, about a year ago. I am re-posting this here. Surprisingly, the themes ring true in my life today].

For Context, here is The Fifth Agreement: "Be Skeptical, but listen" 

Meaning: Recognize that most of what you hear is not true, but rather what people communicate with their own personal symbols. Everything can be looked at with a degree of doubt and questioning - BUT also respect (it is, after all, a story that is true for the person telling it [AKA, the storyteller].

--  --

I stood in front of my proverbial mirror, and my [Dom] (AKA, Hubby) presented me with the book, “The Fifth Agreement.” I find it interesting that I sensed a life theme - reflected in the book, long before I read it. My inner Self participated in singing the chorus of this life theme via a strange dream:

'The 10-year old girl was standing in an old attic that she didn't recognize. She stood before an old full-length mirror that could sway back and forth if you pushed it. Instead of seeing her own reflection, however, the little girl saw a beautiful garden with every flower imaginable. A fountain was in the center of the garden and rose bushes and willows surrounded the outskirts of the sanctuary. It seemed so peaceful.'

It took me a while to realize what this dream meant. Ever since entering the lifestyle (first swinging, now kink), I imagined that I was a white rose and that every relationship I made was a fellow flower. We all lived in this beautiful, magical garden where love and growth was possible. When I peered into the mirror and saw my garden, I was seeing my true, authentic self. Likewise, I was seeing all my beautiful connections. I was asking myself to let go of the fear and join me in embracing my true self. I knew that when I could let go I could live a life of integrity and pure joy. In the Fifth Agreement, the author calls this “our personal heaven.”

I sense that the Source is asking me to really take a deep, close look at the message. I must admit, I feel naked as I look into the reflection of the world of my own creation. In my naked state, I am being asked to face my fear and rewrite my story. Better yet, I’m being asked to recognize that everything I perceive and experience is just a story, a distorted picture of reality. Recognizing the truth of the distortion, I can choose to rise above the limits, the fears, and the thoughts that keep me paralyzed. Own your greatness, the voice speaks. It speaks it loud and clear. Every mentor in my life is speaking to me with the same message. They are my Greek chorus in the play about my life. The speak as one, presenting each phase of my life and pointing me to where my heart yearns to go next: to that place beyond fear where I embrace my full potential and live a life of purpose, action, authenticity, and integrity.

A Shout Out For Sex-Positive Parenting!

I read an awesome blog entitled. “This is What Sex Positive Parenting Really Looks Like.”  The author, a mother, discusses how she addressed her young child when she touched her privates at the dinner table.  She chose not to shame her child.  Rather, she normalized touching oneself but clarified that there is a time and place.  In the article, she mentions that all kids touch themselves.  A lot of the time, it has nothing to do with sex.  It is just a high degree of curiosity over one’s little body.  In any event, I was happy to learn that this parent honors her child’s curiosity, talks honestly about sex (at the appropriate developmental level), and cultivates an environment where it ok to ask questions about such matters.  I’m sure many of you out there are affirming to your children – trying to find the right words to discuss sexuality.  All things considered, we still feel the backlash of an “abstinence only” conservative philosophy as it relates to sex and sex education.
I don’t propose to be the expert on how to talk to children and teens about sex (although, I’d love to claim this).  I, however, believe that it is vitally important to expand our thinking and communication around sexuality.  Sex is a normal, acceptable part of being human.  Although the intention to have sex can be centered around procreation and/or love-making, these are not the only reasons people engage in sexual activity. Sometimes, people want to be with themselves.  Sometimes, both men and women just want to experience pleasure.  They just want to release all that stress (quite literally).  Sadly, all too often, children are raised on a foundation of shame and fear. Subsequently, they grow up to feel ashamed about their bodies and sexual needs.
In writing about this, I am reminded that I only embraced my sexuality much later in life.  You could say I was very shielded from the topic. My parents, God bless them, listened to the professionals who told them that their daughter with Cerebral Palsy wouldn’t understand this whole new world of sexuality.  Better to protect her.  I didn’t even know how to put a tampon in me during my period (where was the “hole?”  [now, I know the vagina is actually a space]; ) I most certainly didn’t know that a man’s penis would fit nicely in that space one day.  Only when I started dating my boyfriend – now Hubby – did I learn about my sensual body.  We grew together.  Now, of course, I call myself a love goddess! I guess you could say that the story ended well.  Truthfully, the process of learning – in this case, about one’ sexuality – never really ends.  That said, I wished I had adults in my early years who would just give it to me straight (no offense, Mom and Dad).  Us people with disabilities have sexual needs too, you know!  We can handle it!
Given my history, you can see why I am an advocate of sex-positive parenting.  In the article referenced, I really like what the author had to say about setting the foundation for healthy sexuality.  She spoke about discussing boundaries, choices, and context with her children.  She spoke about discussing the sense of personal space and safety with her children.  Ultimately, laying the groundwork is giving her the confidence that her children will one day make decisions based on good instincts, a developed intuition, and the sense of their own personal truths.  As time goes by, I hope that this framework of sex positive parenting can become more accepted and adopted on a grander scale.

Alicia Keys to the Rescue! How I Conquer My Self-Doubt

(I wrote this on my way to a job interview within the last couple of months.  It is about time I post it!)

I love the Alicia Keys song, "This Girl is On Fire." For those who may not be familiar with the song, it is about a single mother living in a harsh world. She is just trying to make ends meet. The gist of the song is that she may be lonely and isolated, but she knows, deep down, that she is a force to be reckoned with! I encourage all the women reading this blog to go and look up the YouTube video!

I must admit, I listened to the song to boost myself up minutes before appearing on "Dr. Dick's Sex Advice: Sex Advice with an Edge" {Part 1 & Part 2} - my very first time doing a promotional stunt and podcast back when I had a private practice in counseling. A year or two later, I imagined myself doing a sexy dance to it in the middle of my adult social club - a type of "reclaiming my sexuality and inner strength" dance after I went through a rough patch. Unfortunately, that never materialized. I wonder if my confidence would've spiked if I had. One way or the other, this song has always been a "lifestyle" anthem for me. It represented my "coming out;" the owning of this confidence that seemed to come from nowhere; the embracing of this badass chick that I finally realized I was. Only, such feelings are not linear. Life is filled with turns, hills, and, valleys. Self-doubt easily seeps back into daily life. At times, I remember feeling like such an imposter. This is true even when people compliment me today; who? Me? You must be thinking of someone else (when calling me out as a rockstar or kickass writer). But, I know I am not being fair to me. I know I deserve a lot more credit.  I am going to a job interview today. I am listening again to "Girl on Fire."

"I seek strength, not to be greater than another, but to fight my greatest enemy, the doubts within myself."
-P.C. Cast