Compassion Grows With the Courage to be Vulnerable

In the last few months I've learned a lot about compassion. My journey toward greater compassion started with me falling apart in my world. I stopped writing. I took a human awareness workshop that showed me where I had resistance in my relationship with myself and others. I also saw that I had chosen things that did not completely align with my spirit. I had to see where I routinely sabotaged myself and my relationships! I had to see how fear stopped me and paralyzed  me in my life.

After this wake up call I became an emotional mess! I could not do my work and agreed to end my AmeriCorps VISTA term early. I sprained my right ankle and had to accept asking others for help (this is something that is very hard for me). I had to trust my new friends and new community. The Universe called upon me to bear witness to my imperfections, vulnerabilities, and personal blocks....and love myself anyway. The hardest part was figuratively standing naked and scared in front on my friends, community, family, and fellow co-workers. But, it was necessary self work.

 I developed greater insights about the nature of compassion once I  attended more groups that promoted intimacy and deeper human connections. In these groups we would sit in pairs and be asked to face each other and just listen to the other person's story. Direct eye contact was important. Likewise, quietly listen without paraphrasing or interrupting was essential. I had a difficult time with this. The counselor part of me learned to paraphrase and reflect back what I was hearing from someone. But, here I was just sitting still with great presence.  I saw how this actually empowered the other person. And, I felt genuine compassion and gratitude upon witnessing how my partner opened up about fears, hopes, and transitions, among other things. There was a sense of liberation at just being present.  It reminded me that we are all interconnected. We can often relate to each others' life stories. I felt Enlightened.

I see now how compassion is the bridge to the human condition. We are not isolated and alone as we often think. We can create a greater shared meaning. But, we need to be willing to show up with our vulnerability. It reminds me of a Brene Brown quote:

"Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable." 

I think the trick is learning who you can trust with your vulnerability. Not everyone or every situation fits the bill. One way or the other, however, compassion, empathy, and wholeheartedness is necessary to feel the true human connection we all yearn for.

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I am growing everyday in compassion, acceptance, and wisdom.

A Profound Dream

Several months ago I had a dream about my sister that felt strangely like a premonition.  I woke up with a start and relayed my dream to a close, spiritual friend.  She told me to meditate on it.  Well, I’m not really good at meditating.  Nevertheless, the dream seemed to haunt me in my waking life.  This is the dream in a nutshell:

I was headed down an unfamiliar path.  All of a sudden, I saw my sister.  She tried to guide me back away from the path I was walking. I felt a sense of desperation from her.  I sensed she was pulling me back towards my family and an old life.  For a moment, I considered it.  After all, she was my sister.  I loved her dearly.  I could not leave her or my family.  Just then, I saw a running stream with humanoid beings that were swiftly letting the current take them somewhere.  I felt the beings’ sense of excitement and wonder.  In an instant, I made a decision to join them.  I let the current take me.  Then, the scene changed.  It was like I had an out-of-body experience and was seeing the entire scene from outer space.  I zoned in to a particular moment; after I left, my sister stood on a dirt road with a broken down car.  She looked upset, dejected, and disheveled.  Then, I woke up.

Before going any further, I need to describe the relationship I have with my sister.  I am older by ten years.  We immigrated from South Africa to resettle in Seattle, Washington when she was only 7 months old.  When she was 7-years-old, she lost a best friend to cancer.  I will never forget her red face the day she and my mother picked me up from school to relay the sad news.  I think that event really impacted her life and the young woman she was to become.  Today, my sister and I call each other soul sisters.  We both gravitate to helping others and advocating against social injustices.  We are both very spiritual and believe in, what has been termed, “new age spirituality.”  With so many similarities, we truly feel like the best of friends.

Given my relationship with my sister, you can imagine my shock and fear over my dream!  What was my spirit trying to tell me?  Well, everything became clear in the last few days.  In short, I wanted to write a very raw, down-to-earth blogabout me.  It included an unpleasant family event used to offer context for the rest of the story.  This was a type of coming-out blog for me.  I was owning many things about myself that I had been fighting for sometime.  It was important.  When I compassionately presented a piece of my  blog to my family before posting, my sister became furious with me.  According to her and my family, I was dishonoring my parents by writing about this particular event  It was selfish of me.  From my perspective, I only showed them the portion in question, out of respect and regard for them!  I did not have to do this.

It was then that I became enlightened.  After a day of crying and wishing I could enter oblivion, I realized that my dream was about me standing at a crossroads.  And, today marked the day that I now stood at that very crossroads.  With all my love for my sister and family, could I choose to honor my truth over their fears?  Would I come running back to them in the name of family loyalty or stand true to my personal integrity?  The choice was killing me.  I highly value my relationships.  At the end of the day, however, I had to choose my personal integrity.  I said it best to my husband:  “I must write my authentic truth. Otherwise, I might as well be an empty shell.  I might as well not write at all.  Then, there really is no point in any of this.  I would not be living my life’s purpose.”

Suffice to say, I informed my family that I posted my blog.  I got no response back from them.  My emotions are very raw today, but I do not regret my choice.  My writing was suffering before this leap.  It was breaking through this wall that gave me back my voice, my vision, and my self-regard.  Ironically, I wrote about the very themes I’m re-experiencing today:  honoring/trusting self, honoring personal truth, boundary-setting, and finding courage.  At my crossroads, I will choose these things over blind loyalty  – even family loyalty – any day.

ADDED NOTE:  It just so happens that my husband and I are on the verge of moving to California’s Bay Area.  I literally am moving down another path with intentions of pursuing a different career choice!

Embracing Your Imperfections

Do you ever feel burdened and overly critical of yourself?  Do you feel emotionally blocked and worn down?  These emotions and self-evaluations can affect your body, your work, your relationships, and your general perceptions.  When you are not present for you, you most certainly cannot be present for others.  Likewise, when you can’t reach your superhuman expectations, your disappointment and self-punishments are overly harsh.  You deserve more than you are giving yourself.

This is what I have found helps me snap out of this negative, judgmental space I am describing:

1. Recognize what you are doing and label it.  “[Example:  Oh yeah, I’m judging myself again.]
2. Tell or gesture yourself to stop. Then, breathe! [STOP!  Pause]
3. Give yourself a new message [Example: “I am worthy.” “I need not be perfect to be loved.”]
4. Be mindful of how your perception changes [You can actually sense when your body and  emotions are lighter.    You are now on an upward path]
5. Engage in some level of self-care [walking, listening to music, etc]
6. Surround yourself with others that support you and give you positive feedback

Give these steps a try.  You can decide if you want to develop them into a practice or not.  This is your path and your life.  Just see if/how it helps.

All I know is this: you do not need to be the perfect daughter, sister, wife, mother, employee/employer, businesswoman, lover, and friend. If you carry even half of these roles, I think you are amazing, creative, and powerful in your own right.You deserve to give yourself  the benefit of the doubt.

I will be working on these myself in the coming weeks.  Let’s support each other!

Only the greatest blessings as you work towards living a life of authentic joy!

Receptivity is one power that is very connected to femininity. Women tend to have a unique way in which to create space, open their hearts, and let new life grow, the latter being either literal or figurative.  All that said, those connected to feminine energy must also have a keen sense of personal boundaries, respect, and dignity.  If these things are not honored, there is a likelihood the person will close up.

I admit, opening your heart is not always easy.  I’ve been in that emotional and mental place where it was much easier for me to play it safe than take a risk.  Life is messy.  It is more likely, than not, that you will get hurt during your lifespan. When I got hurt, I hid away.  I isolated myself from friends and loved ones.  It was too scary for me to take any leap of faith.  What if I got hurt again?  What if I experienced more loss, another betrayal, a greater sense of being unsafe?  It was then that I learned a profound truth: Keeping yourself from

others leads to loneliness and disconnection.  Risk is scary.  But, disconnection is so much worse.  Lastly, fear will eat away at your soul if you let it.

Receptivity is linked to self-love, positive relationships, curiosity, and creativity. These elements work best when they are allowed to flow.  Unfortunately, life does not always create the conditions for openness.  We learn from an early age to be afraid; to stay on guard for those with ill-intentions .  We cannot trust everyone.

Here is the ultimate challenge:  to create the necessary shield that protects us, while simultaneously finding those opportunities that lend themselves to letting go with trustworthy others.  Finally, allowing the flow of creativity and free-expression to guide our lives in order to live more authentically and fully.

A Special Relationship

[Flashback…my grandpa, granny, and older brother would go on outings to beautiful, South African botanical gardens or parks. To this day, the smell of flowers takes me back to the age of 5.]

[Flashback…one day, while walking with Grandpa to visit his sister in her apartment, he guessed I didn’t like her much.  I said, “How did you know?” He said, “I had a feeling.”  He never made me feel bad about not connecting with her, despite Granny’s warnings that learning my truth would hurt his feelings. ] 

[Flashback… While walking to Grandpa’s beautiful garden,   I turned to him, anxiety-stricken.  I said, “Grandpa, I’m afraid of losing you one day!”  After a moment of silence, he responded:  “Rather than worry about losing me, just be happy that we are together now on this beautiful day.” ] 

[Flashback…I sat on the telephone to Grandpa telling him every detail about my school day.  This was either second or third grade.  He sat on the other end of the phone patiently listening.  I think I was still talking 20 minutes later.]  

When I was a little girl, my favorite person in the whole world was my maternal grandfather.  The most significant

time period for me was when I was four and five years old.  He had an amazing way of attending to me and sharing wise thoughts  – at a level I could understand. My grandpa died of prostate cancer in the mid 1990’s.  Every now and then, my heart wanders back to him.  I miss him terribly.  On the other hand, I always feel his presence.  He is just as present in death as he was for me in life.  The other day, I was reflecting on some of the things he taught me when I was very young.  He taught me life lessons through the quality time we had together.  He would sing me songs, teach me how to draw, and sometimes just walk with me in a flower garden.  All the while, he modeled patience, the positive view, presence, friendship, openness, integrity, tolerance, purpose, and unconditional love.  Here are his life lessons in a nutshell:

1. Be present in the moment
2. Life is a bowl of cherries/look for the silver lining
3. “Let’s call the whole thing off” (Remember the song? ; )
4. Compromise:  It is better to work together than to fight or compete
5. Let go of grudges/anger (learn to forgive)
6. Your truth does not have to be mine (“I’ll love you, one way or the other”)
7. Death come s to all of us; rather than fear it, embrace the precious moments with those you love; when death comes, accept it with no regrets

When I was 10 years old, I immigrated with my family to the United States.  Grandpa sang me one last song before I headed off to the “land of opportunity.”  He sang, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off:”

” You like potato and I like potahto
You like tomato and I like tomahto
Potato, potahto, Tomato, tomahto.
Let’s call the whole thing off…”

It was years later that I got his message:  “You will see all types of people in your new home.  You might even stand out and feel different. But, don’t sweat the small stuff.  Let it go, and find those places you connect. 

I waved goodbye to my grandfather at the airport.  It did not occur to me that the only time I would see him would be an occasional  visit. Later, I discovered that even the visits felt different to me.  This was before he got sick.  Fortunately, I saw him one last time before he passed away.  I sang the song, “Unforgettable,” (by Nat King Cole) to him.  Inwardly, I believed this was a goodbye.  I turned out to be right.  All things considered, I’ll never forget the big smile on his face after I sang that last note.  Me being the perfectionist that I am, I thought I was way off key.  Grandpa, didn’t care.  It might as well have been a profound Aria to him.  He looked at me as if to say, “I love you, my angel.  What a splendid gift.”

I love  YOU, Grandpa.  You live in me.  I feel your presence every time I walk by a flowerbed.  You remind me to stop and smell the roses, offer words of love to friends and family, look out for those silver linings, honor my truth, and also let go of things that don’t support me – when I am ready to do so.  “Thank you” seems like an inadequate sentiment, considering the gift of your love and your wisdom.  That said, thank you.  Now, it is my turn to spread the wisdom and love that you have shown me in life and in death.

A Profound Movie Taught Me Never to Give Up

When I was in middle school, the movie, “Stand and Deliver” had a great impact on me.  I was in a special education math class due to a learning disability.  I suppose the teacher introduced us to this movie as a way to inspire us.  The story is about a teacher, with unconventional teaching methods.  He drives his students to learn Calculus, despite familial hardships, poor past grades, and other social challenges.  Ultimately, 18 of his students pass the Advanced Placement Calculus Exam.  This all occurs in Garfield High school, a school on the verge of de-certification.  (taken from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094027/plotsummary on November 22nd, 2014).

Growing up with Cerebral Palsy, which included a mild learning disability, everything was a challenge for me.  I remember when simple addition and subtraction was a struggle.  Suffice to say, I needed teachers with a lot of patience.  Moreover, I needed teachers who could teach me in a different way. Mostly, I needed teachers who would believe in my ability to overcome and reach my potential.  “Stand and Deliver” taught me that if you believe in yourself nothing and no one can stop you from accomplishing your goals.  You might even come across barriers and blocks along the road.  They may seem insurmountable.  All the same, never give up.  If the passion and drive exists in you, you can find a way around any obstacle.

The movie is based on a true story.  In the movie, each day was a struggle for the students.  Many came from single parent homes. Many of their parents did not believe in a college education.  To them, it was all about surviving.  It must have felt like a constant fight for a lot of these students. Despite these life challenges, their teacher taught them to respect themselves and recognize their worth.  He taught them the power of a great work ethic.  Dedication and determination go along way.  One way or the other, this teacher was not going to give in to excuses.  He taught his students accountability and self-honor.

While the message of “Stand and Deliver” was very empowering and inspirational, life may seem overwhelming sometimes.  Whether you are encountering life transitions, family struggles, or bouts of self-doubt, the journey may seem long and arduous at best.  Sometimes, the best thing you can do is be kind and gentle with yourself while you honor your cycle or process.  I know for myself, I spent many years unable to recognize and celebrate my successes.  I cannot begin to count the many times people told me to stop being so hard on myself. Recently, I really started to recognize and embrace my strengths.  After feeling really down on myself, I attended a free “Dependable Strengths” class to help me figure out future career goals.  Between my own self-exploration, as well as the feedback from others, I was able to identify my strengths:  creativity, courage,  heart, and adaptability,  just to name a few. Likewise, I began to see how my writing makes a difference.  I know I have something to offer.  Lastly, I have many future goals and will not give up on any one of them.  Ultimately, the message still remains the same:  believe, honor, and regard yourself.  Know your worth and shoot for the stars.  You are amazing with incredible potential.  All you need is self-belief, dedication, and passion.  The rest will follow.

Navigating Life Transitions

With the New Year, I literally started life in a new State. My husband and I have already spent two weeks in California’s Bay Area! After one week here, I attended my first interview with an alternative energy company! While exciting, it will take some time to adjust, find a community, and familiarize ourselves with the area.

My husband and I moved to the Bay Area from the Seattle area after he got a job at Google. The process was complex. We were well-known in our community of choice and had to accept saying goodbye to dear friends. But, where there is an ending, there is a new beginning. The possibilities are new and endless. Life is literally starting anew.

Most major life transitions, such as mine, are both exciting and stressful. It is important to learn coping strategies as you navigate these transitions. Speaking for myself, I recall having tremendous anxiety in the weeks leading up to our family move; how was I going to find a job? How was I going to leave the house without a bus pass? How was I going to start discovering my surroundings? Even with the support of my partner, I feared being all alone. My anxiety was quite a normal reaction to my life transition.

Here are some suggestions on navigating life transitions:

Accept Fear, Then Choose a Positive Perspective

Fear is a normal part of any change. Therefore, it made sense to welcome fear without letting it control me.  So often, we avoid negative emotions. Unfortunately, avoiding them only leads them to knock on our door that much harder. It is better to embrace and accept the negative emotions as part of the process. The trick is to observe the emotion rather than let the emotion manipulate or control us. Put another way, learn to be mindful with your fear. I am the first to admit that this is not an easy process. It takes practice. It takes failing more than once. It takes learning to be gentle with yourself. But, it is possible. Once I accepted that I was afraid, I chose to see things from a positive point of view. I chose to believe in my capacity to familiarize myself with my new surroundings, create new connections, and seek new opportunities. Ultimately, accepting and observing your fear takes away its power over you. Then, you can get down to business.

Recognize The Cycle of Change

Life transitions remind you the nothing is permanent. The only certainty in life is that change is inevitable. The Universe tends to throw you a curve ball just when you believe you are high on life, set in your ways, and at your peak. Maybe it is the Universe’s way of saying, “Wait…you can’t get too comfortable!” Truthfully, when you get too comfortable, you stop growing. Do you really want to stop growing?

Often, there is a natural cyclical rhythm to life. We tend to cycle through life transitions, much like the seasons. Sheryl Paul says that there are three phases of any life transition: 1) letting go 2) the in-between 3) rebirth. It is important to be aware of these cycles and be gentle with yourself when you face each phase.  Letting go is hard. It means opening up to change. Often, we are most resistant at this stage. Being in a state of uncertainty is equally, if not more difficult. Who wants to feel like there is no ground beneath one’s feet? But all this is part of change that leads to rebirth – that new start. Support from current family and friends is vitally important during this process. When possible, holding on to some familiar elements is also helpful.

Trust the Process

Everything happens in its own time and place. There is no need to force or control how fast things happen. Of course, some things do have deadlines.  My husband and I were told we needed to find permanent housing within one month of moving. When there is no deadline looming over your head, I suggest letting life unfold in a natural and organic way. Trust yourself, the process, and time itself.  Be gentle and kind with yourself when it takes more time to adjust.

Wrap-Up

Amazing growth occurs during life transitions. Transitions wake you up and help you see things from a different perspective. They may also feel very challenging while you are in the process of living through them. The best thing to do is be kind to yourselves, face your fears, keep positive, trust the process, and recognize the unfolding cycles of change. Likewise, trust the things you already have in your life that are familiar and comforting. As for me, I’m taking it one day at a time. So far, I think my strategy is working.

Creating Rituals to Acknowledge Transitions

As I get older, I recognize the importance of rituals to observe ending, beginnings, new relationships, new jobs, moving, and other major life transitions. Personally, I have a difficult time embracing something new without finding a special way to say goodbye to old patterns, memories, and lifestyles.

While many rituals are associate with religions and cultural traditions, rituals may be personalized. Likewise, even seemingly ordinary activities can be ritualized and made to be significant. Rituals do not only have to encompass weddings and funerals!  For me, rituals seem to be very important in my life. They help me make meaning of my experiences. I am developing ways to introduce them into my days, my life cycles, and my life transitions.

Here are some ways to create rituals that are meaningful to you:

Make it Personal to You

You can follow a prescribed ritual, but it won’t help unless it holds a personal meaning to you. What symbols, places, people, and elements are special to you? Start by making a list. Pretend you are writing a story and ask yourself all those open-ended questions: Who? what? where? when? how? Create possible scenarios demonstrating how you might incorporate and create relationships between the different elements in your ritual.  What would you need to make the moment take on a profound quality?

Ask For Support

Ask people to participate and support you in your ritual (the “who”). Tell them how they can best support you. Tell them what you need from them and how they can participate. Show appreciation for their involvement and support.

Spend time Reflecting

Do you want to say or write something special for this ritual? Do you want to play specific music or use a tone to denote the beginning and end of the ritual? Will you do this event indoors or outdoors? What is the purpose of the ritual? What do you need for it to be successful in the environment of your choice? You cannot answer these questions until you spend some quiet time with yourself reflecting.

Putting it All Together

When you are getting ready to engage in your ritual, give yourself time to make sure you have all the elements in place. Again, ask for help and support from others. Organization and details are important. More important is that you feel the moment is special and meaningful. The last thing you want is to feel anxious about this type of thing. It is always a good idea to give yourself plenty of time and focus on one thing at a time. This is for you. It should not be a burden!

—  —

Rituals can be as elaborate or as simple as you want them to be. It is up to you. Let your creativity flow and flourish. You may simply want to light a candle and recite a few special words, while you are alone. No one can judge you for the type of moment you come up with. All that matters is that you want and need to ritualize something in life. It is important to you and will help you move on to the next phase.  

Good luck as you explore how rituals may work in your life; and only the dearest blessings as you follow your heart and embark on your journey.

The Spiritual Significance of the Number “8:” A Personal Story

My partner and I were both students at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Washington, when, I believe, we both lived a significant, spiritual experience. We had only been been married for a couple of years and had moved a couple of times. We moved, yet again, to a smaller, cheaper apartment. It did not look like much from the outside. It had a tiled roof and grey panelling on the outside. It had mold on the inside and looked old. How we even were willing to rent this apartment was beyond me. But, I believe a Higher Power brought us there.

Our next door neighbor was a greying, petite woman in her 70’s. She seemed to take a leadership role in our complex. When there was a Neighborhood Watch, she was the one facilitating the meetings. People seemed to respect her. One day, she welcomed us in for tea and chit chat. The two of us had never been particularly friendly with any neighbors in our past apartments. We stayed to ourselves. Yet, this woman was so friendly that we found ourselves accepting her invitation. Over tea, she asked how we met and came to be students. She seemed very interested in our lives. Over the course of several months, we kept in touch. One day, she invited us again for some tea. Only this time, she offered something extra; she said, “I’m a psychic you know. Would you guys like a free reading?”. Again, we mostly were skeptical, but something pushed us to say ” yes.” She told my husband of his past lives just by looking at his palm. Then, she gave me a reading. At some point, she stepped back and stated, “The two of you remind me of the number eight. That is what your energy is like.” She was stating that we flowed into each other but still retained separate selves. And, that we somehow knew each other before.

For context, I was born into a Jewish family but do not resonate with Judaism, or any religious dogma. Instead I consider myself to be a highly spiritual person and believe in the interconnectedness and divinity of all things. Suffice to say, I strive to discover my own personal truth. Somehow, when my neighbor brought up our relationship energy as the number eight, I really was struck by what she said. I resonated and attached to her it immediately. I felt the wisdom in her words and in her general presence. Intuitively, I knew that this person was extraordinary and a profound gift to us.

Years have passed since that day that our neighbor read our palms. I am not sure if she is alive anymore. She had really bad COPD. After graduation and subsequent moves, I tried to keep in touch. I called her at least once a year to check in and give an update. Knowing that I love to sing and that I was trained in classical voice, she always asked, ” Are you singing?” Sadly, I always answered, “No. I can’t seem to embrace my voice or find my place in the singing world.” This, in turn, saddened her. She never knew that I had a brief term with the Seattle Women’s Chorus before moving to San Jose, California. I regret losing touch.

Despite the passing of time,this woman actually made a huge impact in our lives. As previously mentioned, we attached to the “8” in a very deep way. The symbol became an infinity symbol for us and became an anchor for our whole relationship. It described our everlasting love, our undying hope, and our interconnectedness. We even got the symbol tattooed on our bodies! It held great meaning to us! We could honor our relationship system, as well as our individual self systems. Some people look to their God for answers, hope, and strength. We looked to our “8” – our infinity symbol – for these things. It helped us through tough times in our relationship. And, it became something to celebrate during the wonderful times.

Today, we have embraced another intimate partner into our lives. I kind of find it interesting that the symbol for polyamory is an infinity within a heart. To me, we have just expanded upon the initial image. The core of our love remains the same. Our love now has the potential of tremendous growth and openness to possibilities. And, truth be told, our partner has touched both of our hearts.

Sometimes, you come across Earth Angels or guides in your life. I think my neighbor must have been this type of being. She left her imprint on our lives and guided us in our relationship development. I cannot help but think that our time together was profound and meaningful beyond this world and this life. I feel blessed for knowing her and having this experience.

Touched by Divine Essence (originally posted on Heart & Soul eZine)

I hugged her and thought she must be an angel. She felt loving, tender, and beautiful. But, I only just met her. This was our first hello. How could this be? To ride above the stress of raising a family, she taught meditation and yoga classes. I could tell that she was a very centered person. She wasn’t the only one. Every staff person I met at this meditation center in Bellevue, Washington seemed to embody pure love. Not only that, but they seemed to get really excited when they learned I was the sister of the retail manager and their colleague. Apparently, my younger sister, the happy face at the front desk, was adored.

I believe in synchronous moments and that many things happen for a reason. I was visiting Seattle to see my family and attend a musical I had gotten tickets for one year before. Nevertheless, I don’t think it was by accident that I chose to visit my sister at her place of work on this particular occasion. Yes – I planned to offer her a birthday gift card because I knew how much she cherished the specific workshops and classes here at this facility. Equally important, though, I was open to receiving what was inside this amazing sanctuary: love, wisdom, healing, and a higher consciousness that I had been seeking in my life.

My past, present, and future existed in this place. Let me explain:

My Past

My sister stated the name of a person attending a class – suspecting that I knew her. “Uh, yes! I responded. She was my 4th grade Special Education teacher. She’s here?!” A few minutes later I heard a voice, ” Is Mandy out there?” Before I knew it, she was standing beside me and we were talking! It didn’t matter that almost 30 years had passed. It was so easy to talk to her and catch up.

My Present

While everything is going quite well in my life, I have been feeling blocked on an energetic level. This manifests by me having anxiety issues and problems regulating my emotions at times. This might be related to the many life changes I’ve gone through recently. Writing helps, but I’ve inwardly known the importance of connecting to something deeper and more spiritual. Being in the very presence of staff that 1) loved my sister and 2) embodied groundedness and an open heart brought me closer to my Higher Self and the spiritual connection I had been seeking.

The Future

I left making a pact with myself to find ways to be still and more loving with myself. I have always had a connection to the metaphysical. I just have never harnessed it. But, even when I don’t focus on these Higher elements, the Universe seems to bring them to me. I have a dream about a Higher soul connection. I find myself looking through books on metaphysics at the bookstore. Certain books just jump out to me, and I’m compelled to pick them up and skim the pages! I meet someone that seems to act as a mirror to me at the exact moment in my life when I need it most. I read a blog that reminds me to open my heart to gratitude. The Divine works within me and around me even when I do not give it power. What happens when I do give it power? I am not sure whether to be afraid or amazed at the possibilities.

One More Mention: My Connection with My Sister

I am ten years older than my sister. But, I feel like we must be the same age. More importantly, we seem to be spiritually linked. I don’t know what to call us; kindred spirits? Soul sisters? Soul mates? All I know is this: we are both inclined towards social justice, advocacy, and helping. We connect to the same esoteric concepts. And, I dream about her. But, my dreams are usually not random. They tend to take on the quality of a premonition or Higher message that is related to our connection and life paths. I wrote about one such dream here. Given my connection with my sister, was it just a coincidence that I should discover all these enlightening thoughts after entering her place of work? I think not.

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When I was younger, my favorite television series was “Touched by an Angel.” I did not watch it because I was religious. I watched it for the heartfelt messages and the reminder that love and vulnerability tends to connect us in a grander, profound way. I was terribly sad when the show ended. So, was I touched by a real angel when I hugged the woman in the meditation center? Was I surrounded by divinity just by standing in the lobby? Was my teacher there to remind me of how far I’ve come in life? I don’t know. All I know is that I found myself in a place where people had done the work to connect to their Higher Selves. And, I was privileged to be there with my soul-sister who shared her sacred space with me and reminded me of what exists within.

Re-centering and Rediscovering my Heart (originally posted on Heart & Soul eZine)

I can now say with certainty that my life is completely out of alignment. My world seems chaotic and stressful. I am fighting with my loved ones. I walked away from a job a couple of days ago. and I can’t seem to accept myself fully and unconditionally. And, that is just the tip of the iceberg. I turn to posts on Facebook that state things like, “Trust the Universe, it will show you what you need.” (paraphrased or different offshoots of this message) I listen to people who tell me to start a meditation practice. All the while, I doubt in my capacity to commit to any practice that would better my life. Inside of me, I am fighting a constant battle with myself. I don’t feel okay.

I don’t think I could ever feel okay. I don’t trust it when my partner says he loves and respects me. How? I can’t even love and respect myself right now. So, as a response, I have found a way to alienate the people closest to me. I walk through my day feeling disconnected, in-genuine, and unacceptable.

I am sorry if this sounds like a complaining session. Truthfully, I see what is wrong and want to change my course. Cindy Bucceri is the Editor of this magazine and is also running a series called “Finding Your Purpose.” The other day, I listened to one of her recordings. She walked me through a meditation instructing me to ground myself with imagery. I followed along. At some point in the recording, she walked me through another type of imagery. This time I was walking down a hallway to a door that was closed. Once I got to the door, I opened it. It was my safe place – a room that was my sanctuary. You know what I saw? I saw my childhood room.

I recognized it immediately. I saw my bedspread as clear as if I was standing right there. It was of the “Love Is…” comic strip from the 1970s. For those from that Era, the comic of the little boy and little girl who were always hugging each other or holding hands. I continued to look around the room. I saw my turquoise floating shelves on the wall. Then, I decided to see only those keepsakes that I knew were very dear to me: a “Chicken Soup for the Soul” book, “The Secret Garden” – another beloved book, and finally “Anne of Green Gables,” the movie. I realized in this meditation that these were the things I most needed in my life right now.

I needed to go back to a time of innocence when I felt safe. I needed to go back to things that represented love, friendship, connection, beauty, and my innate wisdom. This was one time in meditation when I didn’t overcompensate – when the images just came to me as if from a Higher place. It is obviously something that I really need right now. Cindy would say that God is guiding me back to authentic self and the people and things I need the most. And, it is time for me to stop, listen, and release my fear and doubt. I remember back in college they used to say to us Human Services students, “trust the process.” I guess it is time that I give this a try and celebrate the baby steps I take along the way.

Toward Living a Life of Purpose (originally posted on Heart&Soul eZine0

How do you want to leave your mark on the world?  Are you conscious about being present for others?  How do you want to be remembered when you die?  These are questions I ask myself all the time.  I started writing, in part, because I wanted to leave behind my personal story.  I have chosen not to have children in this life.  That also means there will be no one to continue my legacy.  All I have are my genuine words and actions in this one, precious life.

How do you define purposeful living, you ask?   Purposeful living is conscious, goal-driven living. That said, it is so much more. When you realize life is short, you cannot help but aspire to leave your mark – to make a difference with your words and actions. Talking about your purpose is very different than talking about your aspirations, achievements, or accomplishments.  Achievements and accomplishments are based on physical goals: that ultimate job, that honorary award.  Purpose, on the other hand, carriers a more spiritual quality to it.  Your purpose is how your soul leaves its mark in life and in death.  When you live with purpose, you choose to open your heart and connect with someone – hopefully giving them some peace of mind after a long, grueling day.  It is offering hope in a seemingly hopeless situation.  It is knowing that you made a profound impact just because you are you; you chose to live from a place of personal truth, honesty, and love.

I think most of us start asking whether we live a life of purpose only when faced with terminal illness,

disabilities, or various other hardships.  At these junctures, we ask, “How will I be remembered,” or “What do I have to do to overcome the odds?”  When faced with life’s challenges, we embrace true humility and explore how we can REALLY make every moment and every breath count.  That is living with purpose.  Until then, there is no need to stop and smell the roses or really think about what it means to be alive.  Until then, our routine keeps us running on autopilot.  This is called the stream of life.  It is necessary in order to survive the hustle and bustle.  The hustle and bustle, though, is the antithesis of purposeful living.

I believe being born with Cerebral Palsy and developing a seizure disorder as a young child, solidified in me how important it was to live with a sense of purpose.  A couple of years ago I celebrated my 36th birthday.  I was overcome with emotion and gratitude when each of my family members gave me a birthday card stating that each viewed me as a person who lived with great purpose. It meant a lot to me.  The things that they admired most about me was my ability to set boundaries, stand by convictions, and have a vision that I never gave up on.  It took many years and a lot of self-work to present myself in this way.  It did not always make me popular – not even with my family members.  In the end, though, it granted me tremendous respect.

Here are some final thoughts related to living with purpose:  only you know your history, hardships, and triumphs.  Honor the path you have walked thus far, as well as the path you continue to travel.  Refuse to let anyone judge you for your values, lifestyle, or choices.  They are yours and are based solely on your life story.  Lastly, the choice to rise beyond doubt and autopilot is all yours.  If you are up for the challenge, be prepared to take personal accountability for your actions and learn what is means to honor your agreements with yourself and others. I assure you, the rewards are greater than the challenges and will offer you a brand new perspective on life!