Embracing Aphrodite

My Boudoir Photo

My imagination took me to a place somewhere in the deep forest. I was laying on a bed of moss and leaves. I just opened my body up while I felt the sense of softness stroking me - feeling of the wind through my legs. I opened my eyes. I was in a hotel room with my hubby. It was date night. We were having awesome sex. I was in, what I refer to as, the "Butterfly" position (hubby standing up on side of the bed. me with my legs on his shoulders). My inner-Goddess was screaming in delight as I felt one of the most intense body orgasms I think I  have had in a long time! I could tell that I totally accepted the part of me that embodies Aphrodite. I accepted that I wanted to be served. I wanted to feel this physical pleasure. And, I wanted this amazing spiritual connection that I was feeling. Truth be told, I knew I had to be intimately connected to myself in order to be intimately connected to my partner. Here I was, open, trusting, sensual, and sexy. I was in bliss. I looked into my Lover's eyes. His eyes seemed to bulge out of his head as I had another intense orgasm. He was amazed at my delight. He felt it too.

I've been terrified to write about this part of me. I think this is why I haven't written a blog post in a while. But, this IS a part of me. It has been screaming to be expressed and realized. We came home around 3am last night. We surprised Roo by snuggling up and kissing on her. The smile - even with her eyes closed - was undeniable. Before long, I was asking for more sex. What can I say, I was one horney slut! I kissed Roo as Hubby had me on my knees. Again - more delightful sounds. At the end, Roo responded, "That was HOT!" We drifted to sleep snuggling each other in bed - with our dog Lilly at the foot of the bed.

Seriously - could I ask for a better life??


[Note: I am guided to Wicca concepts. One image that I am connected to is the Triple Goddess. As you can see, I am embracing the maiden aspect of myself! ]

Cancer Took The People I Love

I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was 10 years old and playing up and down the hill in our backyard when Mom gave me the news in a whisper, "Grandpa has cancer." "What?" I thought. What is she talking about? I instantly thought my mother was making up a story. But, why would she make up a story about that? It became more real when Grandpa visited one day from South Africa. We were driving in the car and, affectionate, I put my head on his stomach. He laughed nervously in pain and asked me to get up. Grandpa died of prostate cancer in 1995. Nelson Mandela apparently visited him in hospital. It was a big deal. I was not there. I knew the moment I'd never see him again several months before. It was at a family function in Dallas. I sang to him, Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable."

One day when I was 17 years old, my mother and sister picked me up from high school. They had blotchy eyes. It was obvious they had been crying. I asked what was wrong. My sister told me her best friend died of cancer that day! My sister and her friend were only 7 years old. At first, I couldn’t believe it. This couldn’t be true. But, the look on my sister’s face said,”This is, not only true, my world is falling apart.”  I was the older sister and didn’t know how to support her. Due to my fuzzy memory, I imagine I just stared out the window on the way home.

In high school I became attached to a special education teacher assistant. She really knew how to help me connect to my lessons in social studies and history. I became friends with her daughter who was a fellow classmate in my grade. Years later, after marriages, university, and life lessons, I learned that this teacher had stage four cancer. I did not know what to say. My heart went numb. I called her toward the end. I asked, "How are you doing?" She said something to the effect that she has good days and bad days. Then, soon after, she was gone. Her daughter, my friend, dealt with grief by getting busy and dealing with the family affairs. I tried to support her by listening. But, I knew part of me was not present.

Some time in 2011 or 2012 I met a woman and her boyfriend. She had cancer. This came around the time I opened my relationship. I actually was intimate with her. I remember thinking how delicate and tender she felt. I felt moved and honored to be with her. I was drawn to tears. A few years later we attended the Seattle Gay Pride Parade together. There is a picture of us smiling at the camera. Her cancer went into remission only to come back even worse. She died soon after it returned. We attended the next Pride Parade in her honor. We walked with Seattle's Cancer Care Alliance and another good friend who worked for the agency.

For a short time recently, I volunteered at the American Cancer Society in Campbell, California. I was  the front desk receptionist. I greeted people coming in for their appointments. I answered phone calls. I got involved with various administrative projects. I became aware of their Relay for Life 24-hour walk event to increase awareness and funding for cancer research. During my time there as a volunteer, however, I felt like part of me was numb to the journeys of these people with cancer. I would think, “If I let myself have emotion, I will just get angry or sad. It is better to separate from the whole thing.” I know this is just a coping mechanism. It is probably not that healthy. I am reminded that today my own mother-in-law is slipping away from cancer. But, instead of getting support, she has isolated herself.

With all the examples of how this illness has directly affected the people I care about, I wonder how I can be more of an advocate and support. It seems that I have to first  work through my own loss and grief before I can be a support to others. All I know is this: volunteering at an agency devoted to cancer research was not random. I felt drawn to be there. I wanted to find meaning amidst the loss.

Check me out on "Indie Chicks" magazine today! I talk about how it is actually positive to accept rejection and how it often teaches one a more deeper lesson!

Indie Chicks

#1000Speak Post [September, 2015]: How Honesty and Compassion Influenced a Therapeutic Relationship

I had a special counselor once who mirrored honesty and compassion and pretty much helped me see the person I wanted to become. My Hubby and and I started seeing her when we opened up our relationship and realized what a huge life transition it actually was. We hoped she could guide us through some of the rough terrain. She most definitely proved herself worthy - all because she was completely genuine, authentic, honest, and compassionate in every interaction.  

Part of being honest meant that my counselor would not take my B.S. But, I never felt attacked by a call-out. For example, I had the tendency to over-react when I perceived a slight disconnection from my Hubby. Maybe he was just having a bad day at work, but I took it personally. Upon describing my reactions and the events that took place, my therapist would turn to me and say, "The 5-year old inside of you (she was into inner child work) had a tantrum. She needs to learn a better way." Immediately following this statement, however, my therapist would say - "It sounds like you were really scared and needed comfort."  Our therapist was really into owning our personal stuff and developing constructive behavior patterns. But, as you can see, she also had droves of compassion and kindness. I may have been called out on my behavior. But, I was never negatively judged on my character. When I started my own private practice in counseling (with her belief in me), I vowed to convey the same combination of honesty and compassion towards my current and future clients. I guess you could say she was my role model mentor, AND counselor. When we terminated therapy with her it was very difficult for me to say goodbye.

A Word about Honesty 

Tweet Whether we are speaking about a therapeutic relationship or a personal one, honesty and transparency is vital in order to truly connect. That said, honesty only works in relationship when it is combined with firmness, kindness and compassion. There is a huge difference between, 

"You are being such a child right now! Grow up!, 

and...

 "I can see how scared you are. But," I know that you have learned better coping skills than a 2-year-old who doesn't know how to use her words." 

One version is clearly a judgment of one's character. It also seems highly critical and intolerant. The other version of communication shows great belief, compassion, and respect. The one making the latter statement also recognizes that a person's behavior is not her character.

Personal Insights About My Counseling Journey

Since my experience with this pivotal counselor, no other counselor has been able to come close. I actually grieved the loss of the therapeutic relationship we had. When I went to other counselors, I either felt they were ingenuous, ineffective, or untrustworthy. Until now, I did not realize how important it is for me to connect with someone who is honest, authentic, and able to navigate my strong emotions. You see, I've gone through major life changes in the last year. At times I feel stuck, anxious, and confused about my life direction. My sister, my soul sister, says that my Higher Self is going through a transformation. Perhaps, counseling would benefit me. But, I told my primary doctor yesterday that I am tired of all the B.S from people who call themselves professionals. My heart is just not open to them. Maybe I would open up if I came across someone who was 100% real, didn't take my cr@p, AND who was compassionate.

Taking Stock....

I broke under the pressure. My supervisor just told me to move to another computer station. The current one was taking too long to load web pages. Maybe it was the way she said it. Maybe it was the caller on the phone that was overwhelmed because she couldn’t understand my directions to a Fry’s somewhere in Texas. She was riding around in circles with two small kids in the car. I just broke down.  Before I knew it I was sitting in a small room telling the person who hired me that I couldn’t work there any more. I had this strange feeling come over me. It was like life was happening while I was in a dense fog. My voice seemed like someone else's. My interactions didn’t seem real. Was I dreaming? Sleepwalking? No. I just signed this Voluntary Quit Form and signed that day’s date. Before long I punched out for the last time and was being escorted out of the Fry’s Electronics building. This was it. I had lasted a month.  The 20-minute walk down to the light rail felt unreal. Part of me was relieved. Part of me was afraid I had disappointed the whole world. What did I just do?! Was I an idiot?! But, my heart knew this was coming. A few days before I had sent out several resumes and told my partners that my current job was coming to an end. I felt it. Maybe I just willed it. But, now what?

I think the Universe is trying to tell me to re-center in my life and listen to my heart. I’ve been feeling very unbalanced lately. I’ve also been aware of an inner struggle between what I think I should do and what I want to do. Try as I might to put myself into the clerical, administrative work box, I keep wanting to return to my human services roots. I still think there is a way to marry the Writer and the Helper in me. Truthfully, though, this is the first day that I am even writing such a statement. I have been in a constant state of denial for a long time.  

I believe there is a Higher Force at hand because of the people and things that seem to be falling right in front of me. During one of my worst days, I looked in my email and discovered a podcast entitled “Living Your Purpose.” It was developed by my editor and creator of the magazine “Heart & Soul eZine.” I went through her meditation exercise, and I felt renewed. Following, I wrote a “Heart & Soul eZine” article about my experience and shared it with her. Amazed at my process and experience, my editor disclosed some personal information about her journey and offered to be a listening ear if I ever needed it. I think she is an important person in my life right now. In fact, I think she is a mirror of what it is I am trying to uncover and own in my life and in myself.

There are others in my life that are showing up with positive messages. I have not been adding to my blog for a while. Yet, a person I met at a recent party read some of my blog posts and expressed that she loves my writing. Likewise, when I let my community and friends know that I will be published in the next “Chicken Soup for the Soul” book - I had an overwhelming response from people. Everyone exclaimed how amazingly proud they were. They pointed out that it was a great achievement. My sister posted the news on her Facebook page. She stated, “A counselor, a singer and a writer, my sister has the most integrity out of anyone I've ever met, and I'm so proud to share that one of her life-long dreams of having one of her pieces published in "Chicken Soup for the Soul" has, very deservingly, come true.”  This is the same sister who told me that I will write my autobiography when I am ready in my life to do so. She knows that this is another big dream of mine.

It may be my dream, but I am also my greatest barrier. You see, I am terrified. People think I am courageous, but before I push forward with any of my accomplishments, I feel immense fear. The fear immobilizes me. If I am lucky I fight against it and take a leap of faith anyway. If I am not so lucky - fear rules until I start to wonder who I am and whether I can ever live a life of purpose. I eventually crumble like a house of cards. This is where I am today. Honestly, sometimes I feel like such an imposter in my life and in my writing. It takes a lot for me to see what others see in me.

I made another self-discovery the other day; I am afraid to be vulnerable. I’ve been known to walk around in the nude at a clothing-optional retreat without much thought. On the other hand, to bare my soul and expose my open heart is probably the scariest thing I can fathom right now. Ironically, I’ve been letting my emotions get the better of me in front of strangers lately. My emotions are raw. Under my current stress I cannot help but break down. Then, I feel humiliated and embarrassed.

Yesterday, I listened to  Dr. Brene Brown’s famous TED talk  entitled “The Power of Vulnerability” According to Dr. Brown, “Vulnerability is creativity, innovation, and change.” Likewise she says that vulnerability is  not weakness - but the demonstration of great courage. Lastly, it is better to risk failure and dare greatly than to get to the end of your life and wonder “what if…”

I found myself quite choked up as I listened to everything Brene Brown said about vulnerability, including her own personal story. She was describing exactly what I feel in myself and in my life; the way shame, fear and mistrust robs you of joy, connection, and self-acceptance. I want to trust. I want to let people in. I want to let my partner of one year into my heart. But, I am afraid that even my intimate partner will see me and judge me. I am afraid of letting her and others. I am afraid that I am just not good enough. Why risk more humiliation by opening up my heart? Yet, I know it is the only way to live my truth, embrace joy, and feel a sense of profound connection with others. I want these things more than anything else.

It is clear that I am being called upon to make a life choice about how I choose to live my life going forward - whether it is related to my career path, my relationships, my self-regard, or all these. This is an ongoing process and an ongoing conversation.

I guess I’ll end with a Brene Brown quote on vulnerability. This is what she said about people who recognized their self-worth:

PS. Roo, if you are reading this, I'm my own judge - not you. But, you always seem to "get on with it" when things get you down. I struggle with that.  And, I really want to get passed my b.s so I can connect with you.