From A Sex-Positive Point of View: Clarifying Terms and Associated Activities

My partners and I were sitting by the poolside talking to a like-minded friend we had just met a day or two before. We were talking about labels within the sex-positive world. He asked, "Why are labels so important?" This got us all buzzing. We delved into an even more interesting conversation. So, why ARE labels so important. Well, sometimes they are not. And, many do not like labels at all. One thing is clear, however: labels, or at least a common language, gets people on the same page with the speaker. I think this is important. It decreases confusion and a whole bunch of communication problems. Everyone comes to a conversation with their own personal meaning about what words and thoughts mean to them. "Red" can mean one thing to person "A" and a completely different thing to person "B." In a world that is confusing enough, I think it is important to get a common language on all these modern sexual and relationship terms flying around.
I have decided to compile a list of terms related to different types of people in the sex-positive world. The below list of terms is what I have come to see as most typical when we speak of these concepts.  I recognize that each person may hold a different meaning, and therefore, a different definition. I have done my best to recognize and honor the variations.

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Swingers
Swingers are people, most typically couple's, who engage in recreational sex. Recreational is sex strictly for pleasure. There are usually no attachments to the people you have sex with. A typical swinger mentality: "I'm glad I can have fun with you, but I don't want to deal with your emotional issues, family concerns, or life stuff."

So, I am talking about what is typical. Recognize that there are variations to this. There are probably as many styles to swinging as there are swingers.

I'll use myself as an example: when I was predominantly swinging, I preferred those times that I got to know the person. He/she/they became my friend. I honored the time we spent together, and valued his/her thoughts and experiences. 

Kinksters/Kinky
People who enjoy exciting, different, and [perhaps] atypical sexual tastes and experiences. In terms of sexual behaviors, anything beyond missionary style sex may be considered "kinky."

People who enjoy Bondage, Discipline [Dominance/submission], Sado-Masochism (BDSM) are considered kinsters who engage in kinky sex. But, as I mentioned before, ANY unconventional person or behavior can be considered kinky.

Polyamorists
These are people that live a non-monogamous lifestyle (hopefully an ethical one); their relationships are more long-term. Partners commit to each other for the long haul. Commitment is based on specific negotiations, agreements, and arrangements for the partners involved.

Note: Polyamory is NOT polygamy. Polygamy is defined as  the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time. Firstly, polygamy is not legalized in the United States. Secondly, poly partners do not need to be married at all. Some live together, and some do not. There are many different polyamorous structures, based on each specific case. Want more info? Go to: More Than Two Site

The "Cross-over"
I may have made this term up. Anyway, it is a person that is alternative and into everything (Ie. kinky, open, poly, and enjoys recreational sex - once and a while).

"Don't Give Me A Label, Please."
This speaks for itself. A lot of people these days don't want to be labeled. They just want to have the freedom to choose without being placed into a box, of any kind. That's okay. To each his/her own.


Some people like labels for clarity. Others feel labels put them in a box. These people don't want to be labeled at all. For my purposes here, I want to offer a clarification of terms - and their most typical definitions - for those of us that are still new to all this sex-positive stuff. Hopefully it will make communication a little easier going forward.

*See my sex-positive credo post for how I define sex-positivity in my life and use the framework throughout my blog.