#1000Speak Post [September, 2015]: How Honesty and Compassion Influenced a Therapeutic Relationship

I had a special counselor once who mirrored honesty and compassion and pretty much helped me see the person I wanted to become. My Hubby and and I started seeing her when we opened up our relationship and realized what a huge life transition it actually was. We hoped she could guide us through some of the rough terrain. She most definitely proved herself worthy - all because she was completely genuine, authentic, honest, and compassionate in every interaction.  

Part of being honest meant that my counselor would not take my B.S. But, I never felt attacked by a call-out. For example, I had the tendency to over-react when I perceived a slight disconnection from my Hubby. Maybe he was just having a bad day at work, but I took it personally. Upon describing my reactions and the events that took place, my therapist would turn to me and say, "The 5-year old inside of you (she was into inner child work) had a tantrum. She needs to learn a better way." Immediately following this statement, however, my therapist would say - "It sounds like you were really scared and needed comfort."  Our therapist was really into owning our personal stuff and developing constructive behavior patterns. But, as you can see, she also had droves of compassion and kindness. I may have been called out on my behavior. But, I was never negatively judged on my character. When I started my own private practice in counseling (with her belief in me), I vowed to convey the same combination of honesty and compassion towards my current and future clients. I guess you could say she was my role model mentor, AND counselor. When we terminated therapy with her it was very difficult for me to say goodbye.

A Word about Honesty 

Tweet Whether we are speaking about a therapeutic relationship or a personal one, honesty and transparency is vital in order to truly connect. That said, honesty only works in relationship when it is combined with firmness, kindness and compassion. There is a huge difference between, 

"You are being such a child right now! Grow up!, 

and...

 "I can see how scared you are. But," I know that you have learned better coping skills than a 2-year-old who doesn't know how to use her words." 

One version is clearly a judgment of one's character. It also seems highly critical and intolerant. The other version of communication shows great belief, compassion, and respect. The one making the latter statement also recognizes that a person's behavior is not her character.

Personal Insights About My Counseling Journey

Since my experience with this pivotal counselor, no other counselor has been able to come close. I actually grieved the loss of the therapeutic relationship we had. When I went to other counselors, I either felt they were ingenuous, ineffective, or untrustworthy. Until now, I did not realize how important it is for me to connect with someone who is honest, authentic, and able to navigate my strong emotions. You see, I've gone through major life changes in the last year. At times I feel stuck, anxious, and confused about my life direction. My sister, my soul sister, says that my Higher Self is going through a transformation. Perhaps, counseling would benefit me. But, I told my primary doctor yesterday that I am tired of all the B.S from people who call themselves professionals. My heart is just not open to them. Maybe I would open up if I came across someone who was 100% real, didn't take my cr@p, AND who was compassionate.