The Singing Moment I Reclaimed

During our Indepence Day vacation in Napa Valley, my Loves and I attended a karaoke restaurant and bar. From the onset, things felt off; my partners, usually karaoke enthusiasts, we're not feeling it. The table behind us was compromised of 50+ something year olds who were obviously there to party; they were loud and fun-spirited. They sounded like regulars. Again, we usually enjoy this type of energy. But, it seemed to turn us off. Still, I insisted on singing after our dinner of burgers and fries. My lovely partners were nice enough to wait for my song to come up before leaving. I was so excited about singing this particular song. It was Barbra Streisand’s version of “Somewhere” - the song from “Westside Story.”  For those of you who don't know me, I am an avid Streisand fan. I grew up with all her music. I always felt like she sang from a real, beautiful place. Before I heard the stories of her being the ultimate diva (negative connotation), I thought she was an angel from heaven. She certainly had an angelic voice.
Sadly, most of the time I am embarrassed to admit I like Barbra Streisand. I have this,perhaps, distorted belief, that people will judge me harshly if I sing one of her songs at a karaoke bar. Afraid of any drunken snickers, I’ve spent years refraining from singing Streisand ballads. That is - until this night in Napa. My inner advocate called me out; “your Loves sing the songs that they love? Why shouldn’t you. Honor yourself, your spirit, and your voice!”
So, on this night in Napa, I responded to my inner advocate with a resounding “Yes. I’ll do it!”  It was going to be my moment in the limelight. I was ready! Well, so I thought…
When I finally got up to sing, the instrumental music playing did nothing to help me find the key of the song. I searched desperately for that first, magical note, and it did not come. The KJ was kind enough to restart the music. But, it did not help. “You can’t hear the key he said. “Um, no kidding,” I wanted to scream back at him. I was so embarrassed. I can sing this song in my sleep! What on earth was wrong with me?!  That wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as what happened next; the voice resounded over the speaker to everyone in the restaurant. “Aw, so sad, Mandy couldn't find the key.” And, that was it. My Barbra Streisand singing debut was over. I walked back to my table with my head down. Both my partners were in shock. “You are not singing! This was the reason we stayed. What happened?” Suffice to say, they sounded disappointed. We left after that. The night progressed in a different way. I put my singing dreams to bed for a while.
I got my chance to make a come-back last week. We were back home. We went to our favorite karaoke bar to 1) say goodbye to our friend (their cook) who was moving out of State, 2) to have some fun singing at our favorite karaoke bar!

Courageously, I requested to sing “Somewhere.”
I had not realized, until then, that this was more than just a song to me; I wanted to reclaim the moment and reconnect to my Spirit. When it was my turn to sing, I whispered to Hubby, “just sing me the first couple of words. I could not hear it last time.” He nodded. I got up. The music started. Once again, I struggled to hear that first note. But, Hubby and a guy standing by me were singing. They helped a lot. Then, something amazing happened; I closed my eyes and found myself transported into a different place. I was not just singing; I BECAME the music. I took another deep breath and sang like I’ve never sung before. I filled the room with a strong, power voice. No more did I care what others might think. I was singing for me. I heard Hubby whisper to wifey - “ Man when that girl has confidence…”
As the last note resounded, I was aware of an amazing feeling; it was like any tension in my body evaporated. It was like feeling peace and fulfillment, the feeling you might get after honoring yourself and seeing your dreams come true. I felt this physically and spiritually. The sensation stayed with me all night and  the whole week that followed. It was a gift to myself.
As you can see by this story, I am 1) I am very hard on myself, 2) get overly concerned by others potential judgments, and 3) don’t always honor myself. Since our wifey has entered our lives, these quirks of mine have really gotten under her skin. She loves me and only ever wants me to relax and have fun. Hubby echoes the same sentiments. I have improved a lot in this area. I think my Loves have a lot to do with that. But, it was difficult growing up in an artistic, musical family where everyone seemed to strive for perfection. I could not just be silly and mediocre. I don’t think my family intended to teach that perfection equaled love. They always encouraged me to sing because it was my gift. That said, kids are great observers. They learn what they see.
Quirks aside, I loved reclaiming my singing moment. I loved the feeling of being proud of myself - not to mention hearing everyone's applause. I loved performing, knowing I was completely present. I loved that my Loves were there to cheer me on and bear witness to my confidence. I will remember this moment always. It will remind me to show up for myself and follow my heart.