I’d like to say I’ve mastered the art of compassion, especially in my personal relationships. But, I would be lying. I have come to see compassion as a practice that you choose to work on every day. The barriers to compassion, believe it or not, are our own emotions, fears, assumptions, and toxic internal stories. Work through those, you are closer to living with compassion. You will probably find that you are more grounded, secure, and connected to yourself.
The very lifestyle I’ve chosen in this life phase, magnifies every trigger, idiosyncrasy, insecurity, fear, and flaw - either within me, or between me and my significant others. Quite honestly, living with two intimate partners is like looking into a giant mirror of truth. The truth I see covers the full spectrum, from all my amazing, beautiful qualities to all those ugly qualities. I am reminded of Debbie Ford’s book, “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. The book description states, “ Ford explains, we waste our own energy judging others instead of empathizing. But most important, we deny ourselves the power and freedom of living authentically.” Wow! How powerful is that! I highly value expressing genuine authenticity and integrity. But, Ford is basically saying the only way to be true is to embrace yourself unconditionally-even those dark corners of your soul!!
In recent months, I have witnessed myself over-reacting to something my partner has said. I’ve witnessed myself falling apart over a seemingly small judgment. When I didn’t feel listened to, I imagined those closest to me were just rejecting me. For all I know, maybe those closest to me just had a bad day and couldn’t focus. Anyway, I seemed to lack the ability to 1) move beyond my reactivity, and 2) feel compassion and empathy for my partners. This is what happens when we are too much into our own distorted stories that we cannot see the forest for the trees. When I finally took a step back and suspended my thoughts for a moment, I saw a whole other story. I saw one of my partners having a hard time. I saw her dealing with adjusting to a new area, a new relationship, and job worries. I saw my husband want to be there for both of us, while he was starting to miss family and friends back in the Seattle area. I began developing greater appreciation and compassion.
So, what DOES compassion mean for me in my intimate relationships? It means first loving and forgiving myself for not having compassion. It is fostering self-compassion and self-acceptance towards myself - especially when I had (have) a two-year old tantrum and felt (feel) rejected because I was (am) not the center of the Universe. Next, it is recognizing that I am not in this life on my own. I have others to think about. Sometimes I might feel like I'm having to sacrifice myself for the whole. But, that is just a negative view of the situation. Rather, I am suspending my own needs temporarily to be present for another. Compassion is also connected to empathy; imagining what it is like to be in someone else's shoes. When you can do this, you are more able to offer genuine support, love, and understanding.
I admit, I am a work in progress. Sometimes, I am able to practice compassion, while other times I get stuck and act more selfish. I try to love myself anyway, even when I make horrible mistakes in my relationships. I try to recognize that I am more than my thoughts or my reactions to things. But, some days are really discouraging. It takes all my effort to believe in my Higher, more connected Self. Today, I recently looked at my “Angel” Tarot cards after feeling thrown off my center. These cards each have an affirmation written on them. One of the affirmations was on compassion. It read, "The vibration of compassion shines through my every cell." This is what I am holding onto today, and what I pass on to all of you, my readers.
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