Just Another Day...(and all those life lessons)

"I am feeling awkward. I am leaving the room." All three of us were having sex. But, I felt like the attention was too divided. And, I was the one who felt like an after thought.
Later, my partners got mad at me. "You sucked the energy out of the room. That was not fair," they both echoed. "What?" I inwardly thought? How could they have such little compassion?  I wanted to disappear. Could things get any worse?!

Things got bad. My emotions got the better of me. I don't think I slept well that night. I sensed that my partners wanted nothing to do with me.

Then, over the next week, I learned the following:
I, in fact, was jealous. I needed to share more of an intimate connection with my Hubby. I missed this. My jealousy, then, was about not getting this need met and/or finding a balance.

Hubby admitted that he had made himself responsible to be there for both his partners. He felt divided. He tried to be in all places at once. It was a high self expectation.

And, then, there was Roo...
I thought Roo was going to get the full treatment. It certainly looked that way. But, she did not suspect to have intercourse at all. She was preparing herself to be the one who did not get any at the end of the night!

Wow!!!

There are several layers to this story.

1) Jealousy
2) Lack of communication leading to internal assumptions
3) Being too responsible for others, when it is only necessary to be responsible for you
5) Heightened emotions preventing a conversation characterized by vulnerability, compassion, and humility.

So, what did we do?

When emotions die down, we had an open, honest conversation about this. At the end of the conversation, we decided to try something; at least two days out of the week, each of us would have a special night with Hubby. This was kind of like a date night - but not quite. We did not necessarily have to go out.

Here is an example of what we arranged: 

Roo and Hubby share the first part of Monday evening with each other; whereas, Hubby and I share the first part of Tuesday evening with each other. We can decide what that means for us. Towards later in the evening - anything goes (basically, the other partner may participate in whatever is happening that night).

Last Thursday we attended our first poly discussion group at a club called, "The Spot." It is located in San Jose, California. Everyone had a chance to bring up an issue and get feedback from the group. The facilitators made sure to say that we were in a "sacred space." They clarified, "This means whatever is said here stays in the room."  I did not expect to talk about any issues. I hadn't even consulted with my partners. Surprisingly, Hubby brought up the above issue. We openly discussed it. Then, it turned into a conversation about time-management. Particularly, how does one attend to each partner in a relationship, as well as attend to "me" time (when it is necessary)? Additionally, we introduced our idea to schedule date nights and/or specific intimate time with each partner. A resounding theme came from this discussion: "Scheduling is cool, but just be flexible. Sometimes calendar events work, and sometimes they do not."

Suffice to say, our story and questions created quite a buzz in the group. Many people related to our predicament. Some offered words of wisdom. Each had a unique perspective. It was a very supportive space. Ultimately, it normalized our experience.

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We knew going into this new relationship structure that it would not always be easy. Agreements would need to be made. We would face issues around intimacy, space, time, responsibilities, and (yes) jealousy. Obviously, we are following a normal process of growth. I am so grateful that we are learning to talk with each other about our feelings and experiences. Likewise, I am grateful that we are discovering a community of like-minded people that remind us we are not alone.