I Love You...But, I am Walking on Eggshells!

Every time Hubby and I had a previous fight, I heard him say, "I am walking on eggshells around you." I never understood this. Why was he so afraid to communicate with me? Why was I so threatening? Then, Roo moved in. We fought. She said, "I'm walking on eggshells around you!" Wow, this was a pattern. I guess there was really something about me that I needed to explore. It was time to go inward and take a closer look. But, it is hard looking in the mirror at your flaws. Who wants to see their darkside? Who wants to admit they have problems? Ironically, we only connect when we take accountability for our darkness and show a little vulnerability and humility. This was the case with me. 

I sought out a therapist. To be fair, I've only actually seen him twice. But, he takes the approach that we are ruled by the stories we tell ourselves. So, he aims to help me get rid of those toxic stories and "write" stories that are more conducive to a more nurturing, loving environment.

So, what were some of those toxic stories I was telling myself?

1. I am not worthy of love
2. It would be better if I just fade away in my intimate relationship. What am I contributing anyway?
3. I need to honor others at the expense of myself.
4. I don't have a voice or a presence

And, I am sure others along the same vein. 

I got mad when Roo screamed at me for taking on a victim mentality in my life. But, it sure sounds like I was resorting to being a victim - based on the horrible things I was telling myself. I was not even choosing to take any accountability by telling myself these things (and acting accordingly). And, they were all lies! 

When I felt so useless in my life, I addressed everything with anger and desperation. It was the proverbial, "I hate you, don't leave me." It scared me. I wondered if I was exhibiting symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder! I tried to remember how I counseled my own clients with Borderline Personality Disorder (back in in the day). [FYI: I was never diagnosed with this, incidentally]

Last night, we were were listening to an audio book called "More Than Two."  I highly recommend that polyfolk, or anyone considering a poly lifestyle, read it! Among other things, we were listening to a chapter on effective communication. We'd stop periodically to discuss our own relationship observations. Honestly, I felt a sense of humility through the whole thing. I found myself beating myself for my past behavior. Then, Roo turned to me and said something so loving and compassionate: "You were going through several life transitions, including your own career shift. You were dealing with your family's reaction to finding out about your poly lifestyle. All these changes were bound to make you feel emotionally unsettled." (my paraphrasing of her statement). Coming from someone who has only been with us a short while, and has gone through hell and back with me, I was so grateful for her compassion, love, and empathy. Thank you, Roo!  

To Both My Partners:

I love you for your patience, faith, and love. Thank you for embracing all of me - even my dark side. Thank you for seeing that I am so much more than that darkness. Life is supposed to be messy and uncertain. Unfortunately, I don't deal with messes or uncertainty very well. But, I am learning. I am also learning that you both, indeed, consider me an important, significant partner. You tell me that we couldn't do any of this with me. You tell me that I offer something special and unique. I am sorry for ever doubting myself. I am sorry for every disregarding myself - especially to the extent that I have seemed to. How can I tell others to love and regard themselves, when I seem to struggle so much with this?! One way or the other, I am making an effort. I am working on owning my emotional turmoil, as well as focusing more on what I can offer (rather than what I cannot offer). Lastly, I know that every thing you do, you do with positive intent. 

Love You. 

A positive relationship is based on trust, openness, honesty, and good communication - among other things. No one should have to walk on eggshells. I will do everything in power to have you guys stop walking on eggshells around me. 

Roo's post after a particularly difficult time.

PS. In the last few weeks, I have done a lot of self work. Me and my partners have both seen considerable improvements. I am learning to trust the process.