[I wrote this sometime around January 2015. Now, 5 months later, I have been a witness to so much growth.]
I knew she was different when I started butting heads with her. No girl got under my skin as much as she. God, did she annoyed me. Pissed me off - is more like it. But, the wiser part of me knew better; one only gets this emotionally reactive with someone that one really cares about. For one year prior, I had been telling all my friends that I was bisexual. It just seemed to fit. It fit even though I was raised to be straight and monogamous. Here I was, years later, in an open relationship, claiming to be bisexual and polyamorous. I even wore a polyamorous ring on my finger. A more spiritual soul might say I was attracting this life toward me. Perhaps, she/he’d be right. But, this was my husband’s girlfriend. They had been going out for a few months. She had accepted me with open arms. But, it never dawned on me that we’d also fall in love. Now, I sit here in Santa Clara California - she in the Seattle area; per a recent text she stated, “My stage four grief is hitting me hard and I want to crawl back in bed and cry...I am trying to be strong….but, I still feel blah.”
The day before I got on the plane, I courageously opened up to my mother. I told her that we had a girlfriend. And, we eventually hoped to move in together. Considering my mother’s traditional background, she took the information well. But, I think she was in shock. She said, “It is good that you are moving. Maybe you’ll get over this phase.” I told her this was not a phase. I questioned whether I should have said anything. I did not want my mother to suppress any negative emotions and potentially get sick. She was the type of person to suppress anything that felt uncomfortable. One way or the other, I knew my family would figure out that our relationship structure was changing. It was inevitable.
So, how did I recognize that I was falling in love? After all, I had never fallen for a girl before. Everything felt new and different from my first time. As previously mentioned, I butt heads with her. Nothing was said that did not trigger a reaction. Thank God for her patience! Then, there was the dance floor. When we danced our sexy dance together, it was like magic! We just connected. As time progressed, I began to trust her more. You see, I was healing from past issues. I was learning a lot about my personal boundaries and needs. In working through my pain, I closed myself off. Then, she came along; a flirtatious, free-spirited, fun soul. I worried about EVERYTHING. All she could ever tell me was “Let it go.” Yes, I resisted her advice. Who was she to tell me anything?? But, she seeped into my skin and into my heart. She knew that, deep down, I was fun, free-spirited, and flirtatious too. She knew that I was quite the badass, even though I tried to hide it. Finally, I began to relent. It took time. Each day, she chipped away at my shield. She showed me that I could trust, not only her, but myself. This is how I knew that our connection went deeper. You know you have a true partner when that person cares unconditionally about your well-being and sees beyond your superficial layer. I also think that you are more likely to surrender to this person and allow him/her to influence you in a positive way. This type of influence stems from real caring rather than control or manipulation. It is a difficult concept to explain in a world where we are taught that most people are not to be trusted. But, love is the opposite of fear. Therefore, fear must be banished for love to grow in a healthy way.
Obviously, ours is not a conventional relationship! My husband is in love with me and with this girl. I am in love with him and with this girl. We will need to work out relationship agreements as we grow. When I was a counselor, I worked with others in these types of relationships. It did not dawn on me that I’d be in this type of relationship myself. Though difficult to navigate, it is not impossible. They say that you learn to be expert communicators, boundary-setters, and “relationship managers” through navigating the polyamorous life. I’m ready for the adventure. It seems to be that the gains outweigh the costs, in more ways that one.
[Update: Roo moved in with Lilly, her dog, on March 26, 2015. We've had amazing moments and really difficult moments. I am ashamed to admit that I have not coped well with this life transition - even though I was a huge part of it; I wanted this. But, all of that is water under the bridge. We are adjusting, learning, and growing - every day!]
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