Our Transition From Vanilla to Chocolate

[In order to move forward, I have to return to the beginning. So, here is the story of how hubby and I transitioned from a vanilla to chocolate world. The journey continues...]

So, we think you’re a pretty special couple.  We can’t ignore these feelings and wanted to tell you.” The moon was bright in the sky as it overlooked the quiet beach front.  Sitting on a canopy bed on the beach, we were talking with a couple we had met only a week ago.  Now, we were at the tail-end of our vacation at Desire Resort in Cancun, Mexico.  Still, the events of the past few days had brought us into a type of intoxication.  In essence, we were engaged in a very intimate conversation – very close to considering having sex with this couple.  The woman responded, “We are very fond of you too.  But, you are feeling the excitement of the resort.  Maybe it would be best to go home and think about everything you’ve experienced first.  Then, we’ll see.”

As I look back at this moment, I first feel absolute gratitude for their decency at not taking advantage of the situation.  More importantly, I have one thought: “How DID this happen?!”

Hubby and I had arrived at our 13th anniversary.  For the first time, we began to feel a sense of wholeness and connection that had not been present due to some growing pains in the first few years of marriage. It was like coming home at long last.  For our 13th anniversary we were both curious about attending a nudist, romantic resort.  In 2009, two years earlier, we attended a nudist spa on our Germany vacation.  There was something very freeing about walking around naked.  We had been wondering about nudist resorts ever since.  As such, we did a search on the Internet for such places.  Desire Resort was one of the places that came up in our search.  Now, we know that Desire is more than just a nudist resort.  

Sometimes people have experiences that literally change their perspectives of reality.  I describe my experience at Desire Resort as such an experience.  For me, it was like walking through a veil – one side was the world of the Matrix, while the other side was the world of Wonderland.  In fact, I will plainly let others know that hubby and I unknowingly fell down the rabbit hole and never quite returned.  

What we thought was just a nudist resort, turned out to also be a swinging resort.  Then, we knew virtually nothing of swinging or the swinging lifestyle.  In looking back, we may not have been aware of the swinging lifestyle, but we always seemed to be creative with sex.  We tried different places to have sex, experimented with different positions, and got excited at new experiences.  Perhaps, there was always a part of us that was kinky and made for such a lifestyle.  Nevertheless, at the time of our vacation, we honestly thought we were going to a nudist romantic getaway where we, the couple, would be able to be romantic with only each other.

Hubby likes to remind me that a few weeks before our trip, they changed their website.  In this, more spicy version, Desire introduced their “Sin Room.”  In essence, this was a public space in which to have sex – potentially with others. We were both curious about trying it out.  I must have intuitively felt this place was a little edgy because I felt slightly nervous.  But, I had no frame of reference or a construct to understand this nervousness.  Hubby, jokingly admits that he didn’t register the fact that we were about to vacation at a swinger’s resort.  Excited, off we went on our trip!

Before we even got to the resort, we met an especially friendly couple.  On the shuttle ride over, they engaged us in conversation and joked about the number of suitcases they had.  I had wondered why a couple needed so many suitcases to a nudist resort. Later, we learned that the resort held nightly themed events.  People

would dress up.  During the shuttle ride, it was strange to us that this couple would be so friendly. We were used to people being restrained and – at the very least – polite.  But, friendly?!  That was different.  Upon entering Desire Resort in Cancun, Mexico, we were taken by the inviting environment.  We went to the registration desk and were asked to put bracelets (or were they anklets?) on.  This was to identify that we were guests.  That should’ve been another sign.  Instinctively (I think) we put it on our left ankles.  Alon jokingly said, “We’ve been tagged.”  The person at the registration desk said, something to the effect of, “Oh, you’re swingers.”  Swingers?!  What?!  “No! “  What was she talking about! Later, we learned that an anklet on a woman’s right ankle identifies her as a “Hot Wife.”

Walking outside to get to a room, we saw canopy beds on the grass.  We saw lounge chairs scattered around.  Some guests were already relaxing in the bright sun – totally nude.  I expected this.  I also expected a minute to get used to it.  We got settled into our room and decided to go to lunch.  We were told that there was an outside buffet by the swimming pool.  The people eating were clothed while the people by the poolside were completely naked.  I think we must’ve decided to join the people at the pool later that afternoon. Mostly, we made observations about this place that seemed different to any other place we had ever been:

• When we went up to the hot-tub later on the first evening, not only was it packed, but people were playing sex games (following instructions written on a ping pong ball; giving each other body shots)
• The hostess introduced herself to us particularly – almost as if to initiate us in (I think she knew we were newbies)
• People seemed more carefree, friendly, and lively.
• During the night activities, people dressed very sexily, danced seductively, and had a lot to drink

Perhaps, there was another clue; we were sitting in the hot tub chatting with a young, attractive couple, and the girl asked me if I wanted to met up with her later.  In essence, she gave me a pass.  It is important to note that no one in my life had ever flirted with me before then.  I didn’t know what had transpired.  Not only was this a pass – it was a girl doing the flirting!  And, I was married!  It took me a few moments for it all to sink in.  Hubby had to tell me what actually happened.  Suffice to say, I didn’t actually respond to her – without even having a schema to do so.  She moved on and I just felt bad when I realized what transpired.  And, this was only the first day!

Well, we did find the Sin Room.  We played with each other – not at all concerned that there were other couples around us.  This was exciting!  As bizarre as everything was, the most bizarre thing about our situation was how natural it actually felt to us.  We may have been surprised and nervous as new experiences presented themselves, but we faced them with curiosity and intrigue.  We were actually thirsty for the experience!  

This was back in 2011. Although we did not play with anyone on our vacation, our whole mentality of life, love, and relationships had been altered after this experience. There was no turning back to our old life of monogamy. Neither were we going to return to the same old routine of work, TV watching, working out, and family-get-togethers of which we had become accustomed. When we returned home my greatest concern was what story I was going to give my parents. These were pretty conventional people who still seemed to see me as their “little girl.” We landed up giving my folks and the rest of the family a very plain, traditional vacation story of Mexico. We fortunately had photos of the Mayan Ruins and other outings to back up our story! Little did our families know that we were seeking out sex-positive clubs, including an adult social club that became our home away from home, in order to connect with this whole new world in the Seattle area!

We did find clubs. One was more catered around the kink community in Seattle, Washington. For a month, we got immersed in the online and face-to-face community and started tapping our toes into the shallow waters of kink scenes with trusted partners. More interested to find like-minded swingers, we found an adult social club and pretty much became fixtures in the place. We volunteered in setting up dinners and parties. Soon, we became the main closers of the club.  This meant staying up until 3am, switching off every light switch, locking doors, making sure the facility was secure, and making sure everything was tidied up.  There was more to closing the club, but that was the grunt of the work. Being members, of course we participated in the parties, too. We attended every Wednesday and Saturday night like clockwork. I think we spent more time in our adult social club than we did in our actual apartment. And, as you might imagine, we became part of amazing community of people who seemed to really honor and regard us! This was a first. In all the years of marriage, we never socialized outside of each other. In fact, our backgrounds led us to take the “us against the world” mentality. Now, we were, not only social butterflies, we found a grand community of support. It was a whole new world!

This is the impact my community and the swinging lifestyle had on me:

• I became more confident in myself; gone was the shy, timid, self-conscious girl I once was.
• I learned more about my sexuality and preferences. Little did I know that I had suppressed by bisexuality as well as so many things related to my sexual needs and expressions.
• I always dreamed of having a private practice in counseling. I now had the confidence to network with others and actually initiate my practice. My practice was called New Connections Counseling, and I specialized in serving people who were sexually diverse, just like me.
• Never a person to run for any political body, I ran for a position on the Board of Directors at our social club - also a non-profit. I never got the position. But, I still had the guts to go through the process.
• I embraced compersion - the joy of seeing my partner happy with others. In fact, I even got “turned on” sometimes when I observed my partner having sex with someone else! What a concept!

Aside from my own amazing development, I saw some amazing things happen with my partner. In a nutshell, he reclaimed the parts of his sexuality that he once disowned. He had always talked about feeling like he embodied both femininity and masculinity. Now, he embraced both these aspects in himself. At the end of the day, he transformed into an amazing Light that could not help but touch people who came close. What an amazing gift!

It was not all a bed of roses. During the first few years of growth, we definitely came across some major thorns. Opening the relationship was not easy. We went through insecurities, jealousy, angry outbursts, and doubts, just like the best of them. We even went through a phase where we thought we had to follow in the footsteps of other “more advanced” swingers. In following in the footsteps of others, we engaged in certain activities that were not right for us and made us feel disconnected from each other. You can imagine how THAT turned out! Towards the end of the first year of being open, my partner and I even had a TOTAL reset. We stopped going to our adult social club completely. We wrote the staff and our close friends an email explaining the situation: we needed to focus on each other and mend the damage that occurred in our relationship. Being the amazing life partners we are, we came back to our club a few months later - more in love with each other than we had been before.  Let it be noted that throughout the entire first two years of being swingers - we were seeing a kink-aware therapist on a weekly basis to help us navigate this whole new world of open relationships. She was a godsend to us.

So much has changed since my hubby and I have opened our relationship. We are no longer a twosome. We have embraced a third partner into our lives. This is, by no means a casual relationship. She is a shared partner, and we consider ourselves a committed triad. In fact, we are currently planning our handfasting committment ceremony for next Summer!  That’s how important she is to us - even though we have only known her for 1 1/ 2 years - and she has lived with us for eight months!  The story of our wondrous triad relationship is a whole other blog.

I’ll leave you with a few words of wisdom I’ve learned from the swinging lifestyle community:

“Fear is separation and a kind of self-induced hell. Love is wholeness and the answer to most of life’s questions.

“The antidote to judgment is curiosity and compassion.”

“Life is too short to worry about anything. Just jump into the pool and have some fun!.”

“Be accountable for your own baggage and let other people be accountable for theirs.”

Most impostly….

Be the Light that is you - and that you want to see in the World!

A recent review on another Desire Resort Vacation!

*Note: My partners are leaving for, yet, another Desire Resort vacation on 1/23/16 - this Saturday. After my last trip - as well as as other things - I decided to opt out of this vacation. But, I wish them a wonderful, amazing trip, and I know they will carry me in their hearts!