[Disclaimer: For a brief time, I was a writer for "Indie Chicks" magazine. "Indie Chicks" has since closed. On my blog, I am re-introducing my articles that I wrote for them. If you've read these before, I hope you are inspired, once again. If these are new, I hope they offer you something during your day].
I see you. Yes, you: the girl alone in your room afraid to “come out” as sexually-alternative to your parents. You, the one from a traditional, religious background who fears your parents will disown you because traditional family values means everything in your small community.
I see you. Yes, you: the one who feels embarrassed to admit you want sex all the time– with different people. You, the one who wants so much to explore different sensations and experiences, but who has been told that “good girls don’t do that.”
I see you. Yes, you: the one who has been ostracized because you are too different, too sexually-alternative, too independent, and too quirky. You – the outcast that no one seems to understand. I see you, the one who gets excited by being bound and whipped. But, you are still young. You feel alone in your journey.
Self-awareness, Self-acceptance, Self-respect
I see you because some aspect of you lives in me. When I was in counseling three years ago, my kink-aware therapist turned to me and affectionately stated, “You know, you are quite the slut.” She said it in the most affirming, genuine, non-judgmental, and matter-of-fact way! I adopted the same word meaning ever since. Suffice it to say, she wanted me to accept my lifestyle choices. And, you know what? It is because of my inner slut that I have a creative edge and am even writing this article to you! This aspect of myself is curious, expressive, free, fun, and sexy. Why be ashamed of these attributes? I can now proudly state that I am a married, bisexual, ethical slut. Rest assured, however, it was not an easy path to self-acceptance. I remember the overwhelming fear I felt when I actually came out to my parents. I feared that my family would disown me. I was grateful that this was not the case. Still, for a while I fought myself. I faced, what seemed like, an endless tug of war between my head and my heart. So, while I don’t live your life, I can imagine your struggle. Likewise, I see how amazing you are in your own right.
Yes, you are amazing. You are also beautiful, unique, worthy, courageous, and lovable. You are exploring and seeking. There is nothing wrong with wanting to find your authentic self – especially in the realm of sexuality. In fact, this is a very courageous act and journey. Most people are too afraid to travel the road of self-exploration to one’s true core. I believe that self-acceptance and confidence in other life areas begins with our comfort and acceptance of our sexuality. Indeed, our sexuality is a very powerful force in our lives! Whatever you do, I hope you strive to live your truth and honor yourself. I hope you listen to your gut and don’t define your worth by the judgments of others.
Getting on the Path to Owning Your Sexually-alternative Self
In my life, I have learned a few things about being sexually-alternative and embracing it.
- In time, you will learn who your true friends are; you will say goodbye to those that don’t support you.
- No one is worth you losing yourself. Let me repeat: NO ONE!
- You decide what you want to do with your body, mind, heart, and spirit; only you.
- If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will.
- Part of self-regard is learning to be an informed consumer of your sexual health; educate yourself about Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Sexually Transmitted Infections and get tested on a routine basis.
- Read everything that has to do with your sexual development, including the real-life stories of others. (A book that had a great impact on me is The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton.)
- Connect with a kink-aware, gay-friendly, or lifestyle-friendly therapist. This is a resource for emotional support, but sometimes you have to go through trying-on period with different therapists. Make sure you are comfortable, and don’t continue seeing one that does not make you comfortable.
You only have this one life to be your greatest, most authentic you. Shame, embarrassment, self-hatred, and self-loathing have no place in your life. The voices of the world carry words of judgment. One way or another everyone judges everyone. Forget it. Take a stand. Love and support yourself and your own personal, unique path. At the end of the day, you and you alone will look back at your life. You will answer the age old question:
Did I live life to my absolute fullest, or did I live with the heaviness of years of regret?
Thank you.
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