I can now say with certainty that my life is completely out of alignment. My world seems chaotic and stressful. I am fighting with my loved ones. I walked away from a job a couple of days ago. and I can’t seem to accept myself fully and unconditionally. And, that is just the tip of the iceberg. I turn to posts on Facebook that state things like, “Trust the Universe, it will show you what you need.” (paraphrased or different offshoots of this message) I listen to people who tell me to start a meditation practice. All the while, I doubt in my capacity to commit to any practice that would better my life. Inside of me, I am fighting a constant battle with myself. I don’t feel okay.
I don’t think I could ever feel okay. I don’t trust it when my partner says he loves and respects me. How? I can’t even love and respect myself right now. So, as a response, I have found a way to alienate the people closest to me. I walk through my day feeling disconnected, in-genuine, and unacceptable.
I am sorry if this sounds like a complaining session. Truthfully, I see what is wrong and want to change my course. Cindy Bucceri is the Editor of this magazine and is also running a series called “Finding Your Purpose.” The other day, I listened to one of her recordings. She walked me through a meditation instructing me to ground myself with imagery. I followed along. At some point in the recording, she walked me through another type of imagery. This time I was walking down a hallway to a door that was closed. Once I got to the door, I opened it. It was my safe place – a room that was my sanctuary. You know what I saw? I saw my childhood room.
I recognized it immediately. I saw my bedspread as clear as if I was standing right there. It was of the “Love Is…” comic strip from the 1970s. For those from that Era, the comic of the little boy and little girl who were always hugging each other or holding hands. I continued to look around the room. I saw my turquoise floating shelves on the wall. Then, I decided to see only those keepsakes that I knew were very dear to me: a “Chicken Soup for the Soul” book, “The Secret Garden” – another beloved book, and finally “Anne of Green Gables,” the movie. I realized in this meditation that these were the things I most needed in my life right now.
I needed to go back to a time of innocence when I felt safe. I needed to go back to things that represented love, friendship, connection, beauty, and my innate wisdom. This was one time in meditation when I didn’t overcompensate – when the images just came to me as if from a Higher place. It is obviously something that I really need right now. Cindy would say that God is guiding me back to authentic self and the people and things I need the most. And, it is time for me to stop, listen, and release my fear and doubt. I remember back in college they used to say to us Human Services students, “trust the process.” I guess it is time that I give this a try and celebrate the baby steps I take along the way.
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